Misbehaviour is STRESS Behaviour

"Misbehaviour" = STRESS Behaviour

This is a two-part blog series focusing on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated.  

Dysregulation = BIG feelings, feeling out of control, feeling highly emotional, experiencing an intense emotional response. 

Many neurodiverse people experience their emotions very intensely and can become dysregulated more easily than neurotypical people.  

Parents and adults, please remember: As difficult and challenging (and exhausting) it can be for us to support and co-regulate with a child who experiences extreme dysregulation, it is even more distressing for the child, who doesn't have the cognitive development to understand and regulate these experiences.  It can be scary to lose control of oneself.  

Be Proactive

These strategies can help all children, not just neurodiverse children: 

• Define expectations before heading to an activity 
• “Ok buddy, we’re heading into the store.  What are two things we need to remember when we’re in the store?’  
• Give children a “heads up” before transitions whenever possible
• “We need to leave for school in 10 minutes, so please make sure you have everything ready that you need.”  
• “Five minutes ’til dinner, guys!”  

Dysregulation Happens (to everyone).  

Dysregulation = BIG feelings.  All the feels.

• Dysregulation can happen for many reasons:
• Sensory overload
• Too hot, too cold, too loud, too bright, too everything 
• Stress
• Anxiety / Fear
• Frustration, sadness, hurt feelings
• Not feeling well 

When a Child is Upset / Dysregulated

Please DO:

• LISTEN to the child
• Let them speak without interrupting or correcting them
• Validate their feelings 
• “That must have been very upsetting”
• “I can see that made you feel angry”  
• “You didn’t like when that happened” 
• Show empathy and caring
• “I am sorry you’re feeling sad, how can I help?”
• Be as consistent as possible 
• REMAIN. CALM.

Please do NOT:

• Reject the child 
• Forcing them to isolate from the family as a form of punishment is rejection 
• Sending a child to their room or to a “time out” is rejection 
• It sends the message that they are not wanted when hey are experiencing big feelings, and that they will not be supported when they have big feelings 

That is not to say that we can’t or shouldn’t teach our children to take space when they need it.  

When they need it.  

The difference is that we’re teaching our child a skill and giving them tools for self-regulation, but in the mean time, we need to co-regulate with them. 

Co-regulation is when we help our children to regulate their emoitnos by soothing, comforting, and supporting them.  We also teach emotional regulation skills by practicing and role-modelling them for our children.

Supporting a child to take space and time to regulate, empathizing with their feelings, and staying with them if they want or need you to will help preserve the relationship, their dignity, and their self esteem.  

It’s important to emphasize the message, “I didn’t like that behaviour, but I still love you.” 

Please do NOT (cont):

• Dismiss their feelings or experience
• “It’s not a big deal” 
• “Don’t worry about it!” 
• “That’s not what happened” 
• Tell them to “calm down” 
• Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.
• Become dysregulated yourself

A dysregulated adult cannot co-regulate with, or help regulate, a dysregulated child.

Stay calm: Keep your body language and voice calm as much as possible.  If you are feeling frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, ask for support from your co-parent, family member, or a friend if you can.  

Role-model taking space yourself, or utilizing tools for self-regulation.  It’s okay to say “I’m feeling frustrated right now, I’m going to do [calming strategy], and I will come back to this conversation when I am feeling calm and ready.”  

Please do NOT (cont):

• Make threats
• “If you don’t _______, then _______!” 
• This only serves to escalate things and further pushes the child into a fight or flight mode

Points to Remember:

• Dysregulation can be caused by many factors that are largely outside of the child’s control 
• Listen, empathize, validate, and co-regulate

“Misbehaviour” = STRESS Behaviour

If a child is highly dysregulated (what we might call having a “meltdown” or “flipping their lid”), that is not the time to: 

• Discuss their behaviour 
• This will further escalate them 
• Their brain is offline and not currently capable of processing that information 
• Problem solve 
• People cannot problem-solve when the logical and rational part of their brain (PFC) is offline 
• This will increase frustration 
• Use logic to try to talk them out of their feelings.  
• “…but you love swimming!”  
• “Cmon, you know he didn’t mean that” 
• "You're over-reacting" 
• "You're being silly/dramatic" 
• This is invalidating and the child will not feel heard 

Feelings are not rational, so don’t expect them to be. A child’s experience is valid and real, even if they seem to us to be over-reacting.  Their perception may be inaccurate, but their feelings are 100% real.  The facts and logic can be dealt with once everyone is calm and safe, worry about that later. 

Stress = Fight or Flight Response

When people experience high levels of stress, their brains and bodies go into the fight or flight response.  

The goal during this time is to help the child feel safe so that they can regulate (aka “calm down”) and get their PFC back online.  

Keep Calm and Regulate On

• Take a slow, deep breath before responding
• Speak calmly and softy, using as few words as possible
• When the brain is in flight or flight, they won’t hear most of what you are saying.  
• The brain will focus in on certain words that either confirm or deny their sense of safety. 
• Get down to the child’s level (if safe to do so - keep a safe distance if needed)
• Crouch down (so you can move away easily) or sit nearby so that you are not looming over them. 
• Convey the message “I’m going to help keep you safe”
• This can be done non-verbally, using your body language and actions 
• Model the calm you want to see in the child 

Points to Remember:

• Feelings are not rational.
• A child’s experience is valid even if they seem to us to be over-reacting.
• Their feelings are 100% real.  
• The facts and logic can be dealt with once everyone is calm.

When the Dust Finally Settles… 

• Try your best not to take the child’s behaviour personally 
• Even if they were trying to hit you or calling you names 
• You can absolutely express that their behaviour hurt your feelings or made you feel unsafe
• It's important to remember that the child’s brain is completely offline during a meltdown and they are not in full control of their behaviour

When considering prevention:

Think in terms of problem-solving and reconciliation, rather than punishment

• By punishment, I mean adult-imposed consequences intended to stop the behaviour from happening and teach the child that their behaviour was unacceptable.  

Part two of our blog series on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated is coming next:  

Punishment is Counter-Productive

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.