Challenging Behaviour in Neurodiverse Children

(In this case challenging is an adverb, not a verb. We're not challenging the kids, even though their behaviour is sometimes challenging.)

This is the second of a two-part blog series focusing on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated. Click here to read the first post, entitled Misbehaviour is Stress Behaviour.

More accurately, this is the last in a four-part series that started out as a two-part series, but then blended in to this other two-part series… confused? Welcome to my ADHD brain.

All you really need to know is that there are four blog posts with themes around preventig and addressing challenging behaviours:

When considering prevention:

Think in terms of problem-solving and reconciliation, rather than punishment
By punishment, I mean adult-imposed consequences intended to stop the behaviour from happening and teach the child that their behaviour was unacceptable

Why Punishment is Counter-Productive

If the child has repeated this behaviour in the past, it's highly likely they’ve been told a thousand times that behaviour is inappropriate.

Intellectually, they almost certainly already know that. ADHD causes impulsivity, so the child may have the knowledge, but not the ability to stop, think, and apply that knowledge before acting.

Behaviours and triggers are often largely outside of the child’s control. When we punish behaviours that stem from the child's neurodiversity (which is most of them), we are essentially punishing a child for having a disability.

If a child is frequently singled out because of their behaviour, other children look to the adults to role-model how to deal with it. This is particularly true with siblings, teammates, and classmates. If adults frequently punish, shame, or reject that child, the other children will follow their example.

Note: I am not advocating a lack of accountability, far from it. The point I do wish to make is that if punishment worked then behaviours would stop after the first few times the child was punished, so it would not be necessary to continue punishing the same behaviour.

Our previous blog post, "Punishment Does Not Work" expands on this point.

So, how do we achieve what we want?

Reconciliation, restoring relationships, and collaborative problem-solving.

Before a child is able to accept responsibility for their actions, they need to feel that their experience has been heard and their feelings validated.

When we truly listen to the child, we are role-modelling how we want them to validate the experiences and feelings of the others their behaviour has impacted.

Overcoming Defensiveness

We all can become defensive when we know we’ve made a mistake, and this is even more so when we feel attacked. When we don’t have a chance to process and acknowledge our errors, we may feel backed into a corner and so our defences go up.

To avoid defensiveness in the child:

Hear them out, show the child you are truly listening and that you care.
Give them an opportunity to speak without interruption.
Avoid blaming and shaming.
Then you can focus on problem-solving together.

The goal is connection, not compliance

Collaborative Proactive Solutions by Dr. Ross Greene

Collaborative Problem-Solving

The key premise of CPS is that kids do well when they can, and when they can’t, they need adults to help teach them skills they are lacking.

It’s not malicious or willful misbehaviour, it’s a lack of skills

Collaborative Problem-Solving in a nutshell:

Identify something you’ve noticed without blame or judgement.

“Hey buddy, I noticed you had a hard time when x wasn’t following the rules in that game. What’s up?”
It's important to be authentic, be yourself. Paraphrase this in whatever way feels comfortable for you, while ensuring you don't include judgements or assumptions when you state your concern.

Give them a chance to explain their perception of what is happening.

Do not interrupt and do not correct their version of events.
Let them get it out.

*Empathize with the child’s experience and validate their feelings

**This is a very important step**
“It’s very frustrating when someone isn’t playing fair. Sounds like that made you pretty angry. I sometimes feel frustrated when someone isn’t playing fair too.”

Identify your concern — without blame or judgement.

Explain your concern without labelling the child or their behaviour, and without making assumptions.
“My concern is that when you raise your voice at other children, it makes them feel unsafe, and everyone has less fun, including you. I want everyone to feel safe and have fun.”

Then ask the child to identify any concerns they have.

“What concerns do you have about what happened?”
Ask them if they have any suggestions for ways you can work together to solve the problem.
“What do you think we can do to solve this problem together?”
This includes actions that can be taken both by the children and the adults.
“We can try to explain the rules with more detail next time, and make sure everyone understands before we start playing the game.”
“The adults can watch a little more closely and help the students/teammates/classmates who may not fully understand the rules.”
“What do you think you can do to help everyone feel safe and make sure we’re all having fun?”

They may shrug their shoulders and mumble "idunno", especially if this process is new to them. That's okay. You can ask them if you can make some suggestions, or if they would prefer to take a little time to think about it and come back to it. Be specific about when you will come back to the conversation: "Would it help to take some time to think about it this afternoon, and we'll talk about it after dinner?"

Some suggestions the adult can make (or the child might make) in the scenario above:

Ask adults for help if someone isn’t following the rules
Use a gentle voice, a kinder tone, to explain rules
Let the adults worry about the rules — it’s the adult’s job, not the kids’ job — remember, the kids’ job is to have fun!
We can try to be flexible and understand that not all the kids will understand the game right away, and not everyone will be able to follow the rules perfectly, but we’ll all do our best and focus on having fun.
Check in with your child at the end of the conversation
How are you feeling about our conversation?
Do you think our plan is fair?
Do you think we can all try those ideas and see how they go?
It’s okay if they don’t work perfectly, we can always make adjustments if we find things aren’t working for us.

For more information about the Collaborative-Proactive Solutions model, please visit the Lives in the Balance website.

ADHD 2e MB also has additional resources and CPS information on our website.

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

Sunday, April 25, 2021