The School Keeps Calling

"The School Keeps Calling!"

It got to the point where my heart would race every time the phone rang during the school day, and I dreaded picking it up when I saw the school's Caller ID on my phone.  I was getting phone calls or emails from the school 2-3 times per week.  Someone from the school (usually the teacher or principal) would regularly call or email to communicate (ie. complain about) our son's behaviour.  

At first, I was extremely apologetic: "I'm so sorry.  Of course I'll speak to him.  I don't know why that happened.  I will make sure he knows that behaviour is unacceptable" and so on.  I have a CYW diploma and a degree in psychology, I should have answers, I should be able to "solve" these problems.  

Then I started reading and learning (and reading and learning and reading and learning some more).  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, my diploma from 2006 and degree from 2009 just weren't cutting it as far as ADHD knowledge was concerned.  So I sought to become an expert on ADHD, and more importantly, on my son.  

Then I realized something. 

Most of the behaviours the school was calling me about were not entirely his fault, nor were they mine.  I am not saying my son doesn't have responsibility and accountability for his choices, he absolutely does.  However, when the school staff repeatedly call with the same or similar complaints, yet have done little to support him to succeed within the school environment...  well, if they keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, then who is really responsible here?  

As Dr. Ross Greene would say, kids do well when they can.  (I discuss the issue of ineffective "punishment" in another blog post).  Essentially if a child is lacking skills and adults are not liking the resulting behaviour, but the adults are not actively teaching those missing skills, then how can we blame the child for not having them?  

As parents, we were truly doing everything we possibly could from home to support our son.  We sought the advice of outside experts: we went to a child psychologist and occupational therapist.  I read ALL OF THE BOOKS, listened to podcasts, followed the advice from the school's clinical team, and was trying to teach our son the skills he needed to succeed.  However, it was the stress and rigidity of the school environment that were contributing to and really triggering a lot of his behaviours, and we had no control over that.  Schools are very often loud, busy, and can be very overwhelming, especially for children with sensory hypersensitivities.  Children with ADHD often have co-morbid sensory processing disorders, or experience sensory overload.  When an ADHD brain is less able to filter out the external noise, or has trouble deciding which input to attend do (so it attends to it all!), this can be incredibly overwhelming.  

Schools often have unrealistic expectations for children's developmental abilities, especially when it comes to children with ADHD or other neurological disabilities.  Sitting in a desk for 5 hours per day at ages 5-8 is neither healthy nor realistic for most children, let alone those with hyperactivity.  When children are not given the ability to move their bodies, take movement breaks, and self-regulate with physical play, then it sets them up for failure.  We expect them to sit down, learn, attend, be quiet, and listen while their bodies and brains are begging for physical outlets and activities.  

Schools can often have very rigid rules that are "equally" (but not actually because adults are human too) applied to all students in the effort to be "fair" to all.  However, if all children develop differently and are at different stages of development and have different skills and abilities...  how is it fair to have the exact same expectations across the board?  I get that it's impossible to have a separate set of rules for each individual student, and even those would have to change day-to-day based on the child's functioning and development.  That is also completely unrealistic.  However, many schools are currently teaching students about flexible thinking and growth mindset.  How can the adults expect the children to practice flexible thinking if the adults are not role-modelling those skills?  

Short answer: they shouldn't.  

Examples of posters that may be on some classroom walls: 

The flexible thinking curriculum is fantastic, actually, don't get me wrong.  For it to be effective, however, it requires the adults to role-model and set the example first and foremost.

You Don't Have All The Answers.  

You don't have all the answers, and guess what?  You're not supposed to.  Nobody does.  The whole "it takes a village" thing is true, and right now your child's school is part of your village.  The adults who interact with and support your child at school need to communicate with you what they observe, what they are trying that is working or not working, what they think your child needs to be successful, and what they are doing to make that happen.

"Your child's school is part of your village."

If you are repeatedly receiving communications from your school about the same or similar recurring issues and you don't feel they are doing enough on their end to help your child, here are some options:  

• First, document the phone calls and emails.  You can make yourself a chart with the date, time, and subject or concern expressed to you to keep track of exactly how often you're being contacted and how often the same concerns are being brought to your attention. 
• If you notice a pattern, now you can bring that to the school's attention.  You can ask for a meeting with the classroom teacher and administrator (or school psychologist, or guidance counsellor, or social worker, or someone who has regular contact with your child at school and may have helpful insights to offer). 
• At the meeting, or in your communications with the school, ask for information about what is happening before the behaviour (the antecedents, triggers, environment, context, etc.).  If they do not know, then they cannot effectively support a child if they do not dig down to look beneath the behaviour for the underlying causes and contributing factors.  That is their next step.  

All Behaviour Is (Still) Communication

If a child's behaviour is maladaptive, disruptive, harmful, or otherwise unexpected, then that behaviour is telling us something.  Something is not working for that child and if the adults want the behaviour to change, then they need to change the environment and provide the supports the child needs to succeed.

• If your school needs help identifying your child's patterns or triggers, you can ask them to fill in an ABC chart any time they contact you about your child's behaviour (or any time they notice the same or similar difficulties coming up).  
• That said, there are certainly some significant limitations to any behavioural tracking.  The biggest problem is that they oversimplify by boiling the antecedent down to one trigger when human behaviour and emotions are so much more complex than that. 
• The missing piece is communicating with the child once everyone is calm to learn more about their experience.  We need to find out more about their day, week, even month, to see what is building up for them, contributing to their struggles, and/or creating vulnerabilities.    
• The documentation is really just to get the school starting to look a little deeper than the surface behaviour.  It can improve communication between family and school, and if not, it at least creates a paper trail for all the times they contact home without having taken steps to support the student. 
• If the school is on board and ready to take their support to the next level, we very highly recommend the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model.  Your child's school administration should have heard of CPS, but in case they haven't, information for schools is available on the Lives in the Balance website.  This is a much deeper, and more child-centred, approach to problem solving and developing relevant and effective supports that will actually help the student.  

Extremely important:  Any home-school communication should be for adult information-gathering purposes only.  The intent is to spot patterns, identify triggers, and identify and develop the supports that would be most needed for that child.  Home-school communication should never be used for school staff to "tattle" to parents about the child's behaviour, it should never be used as part of a behaviour "modification" program, and most importantly, it should never be used with the expectation that the parent then punishes the child at home for something that happened at school.  Visit our website for more information on effective behaviour "tracking".  

Now that is out of the way, here is a sample ABC Chart (click to enlarge):

Once the relevant information has been gathered, then patterns can be identified, and relevant supports can be put into place.  If the behaviour difficulties are such that the school is calling home once a week or more, it would be wise to have a Behaviour "Intervention" Plan put into place.  

That said, the BIP example outlined on the Government of Manitoba's website is ...not great.  It focuses too much on the student's behaviour and not enough on the underlying contributing factors.  It does outline skill development and touches a little bit on relationship-building, so that's a start.  

We don't have a sample BIP posted yet (sounds like another blog post in the making!), but we do have a blog post about Individualized Education Plans (IEPs), now called Student-Specific Plans (SSPs) with examples of effective student-planning that are also highly relevant and applicable to a BIP.  

In fact, if your child has ADHD, and that ADHD impacts their functioning in school (spoiler alert: it does), then your child is entitled to an SSP - but, like, a good one.  An effective SSP should focus on what accommodations the student needs in order to do their best, what supports they may need to be on a level playing field with their peers, and should include S.M.A.R.T. goals that are intended to allow the student to thrive.  An SSP (or BIP, or IEP, or any-p) should not include goals that simply make things easier for school staff and should not focus on the child changing or stopping behaviour without very specific steps identifying the lagging skills and how the adults in the student's life will support them to build those skills.

You Are SO Not Alone 

If your heart starts racing any time your phone rings, or if you dread emails from your child's teacher or principal, remember: this is not all on you.  Your child is at school for more than 30 hours per week.  Parents have very little, if any, control over what happens during their child's school day.  Yes, you are an extremely important part of your child's support team, and you know your child best.  Yes, you can do things at home and with outside professionals to support your child.  Yes, you can work collaboratively with your child's school team to set everyone up for success.  

Your child's school is part of your proverbial village.  If they have difficulty with your child's behaviour during their school day, then it's up to them to look beneath the surface behaviours.  Only then can they expect you to work with them, and they with your child, to develop supports and solutions.  Only then will your child truly get the support they need and deserve.

Please visit our website for a list of ADHD Resources available in Manitoba.  If you need assistance advocating for your child, contact us and we can recommend and provide resources or arrange services.  

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

If you need help educating your child's school, your family, or with general ADHD coaching or advocacy, please feel free to contact us.  

And Then There Were 2(e)

...And Then There Were Two Along for the Journey

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD in March of 2019, then assessed as being cognitively gifted in June of 2019. A diagnosis of gifted+ (gifted, plus another diagnosis) is commonly referred to as "twice exceptional", or 2e (more links about what it means to be 2e at the bottom of this post). 

After our son was diagnosed, I took it upon myself to learn everything I possibly could about ADHD that I hadn't learned in school. I quickly realized that my 10-year-old psych degree and 13-year-old CYW diploma were not nearly enough to make me an expert on the topic, so I made it my mission.

I am working on another blog post with a list of book recommendations based on the books I have read thus far. 

It didn't take me long to notice a lot of similarity between my son's symptoms and struggles and my own, which is not entirely surprising, as ADHD is highly genetic and very commonly found in multiple family members. (Recently we shared blog post from ADHD Rollercoaster on our Facebook page about another mom's similar experience). 

I spoke to my family doctor and received a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in Adult ADHD. In October 2019 I received my own official diagnosis. When I told my son he said "I already knew you had ADHD, Mom"! We had spent the previous seven months learning everything we could together and he was becoming increasingly knowledgeable and self-aware. My observant little dude had already noticed the many similarities between us.

Now that I, too, am more self-aware I can't believe I didn't realize this earlier. For example, this not-very-long blog post took more than three hours pieced together throughout the day to complete. Not because I couldn't think of what to write, but because once I started writing I suddenly realized I had to to all of the things. I mentioned my book list, so I had to go and update it. Then I needed (wanted) a cup of coffee, which reminded me that I had only halfway finished the dishes in the sink, so I (mostly) finished those. Then I remembered I had meant to take the recycling out and put in some laundry, so I did that too, and so on. 

It isn't a matter of procrastination, this blog is a labour of love, and I have no reason to do it other than because I want to. My extreme multi-tasking happens because one action or thought reminds me of another, and before I know it I have seven half-finished tasks on the go. Luckily I eventually (usually) finish them all and this process seems to (mostly) work for me, but that's after many years of developing strategies and essentially becoming used to how my brain works. There was definitely a time in my life when those seven tasks would all remain half-finished and I would just keep starting new ones as the mood struck. I'm also still very forgetful, often misplace things, and rely heavily on technology to keep organized. 

The thing is, this has also been my superpower, and has probably helped me be a successful entrepreneur for the past 10+ years. I started my own business from the ground up in 2010 and turned it into a profitable full-time job for myself, as well as creating part-time jobs for a handful of employees. I have succeeded in part because of outside-the-box thinking, very common amongst 2e/ADHD folks, which helps me solve problems in ways that others may not think of. I am a master of hyperfocus, which can be both a help and a hazard for people with ADHD. I can set my sights on a work-related task and not come up for air until it is done. My son is like this as well, when he's reading a book I could tell him his hair was on fire and he would mumble "okay" and continue reading. He's not ignoring me on purpose (most of the time anyway), hyperfocus is a coping mechanism that some people with ADHD develop as a way of preventing themselves from being so easily distracted. 

Like my son, I was identified as gifted during my school years, but for me it was much later because our small town did not have any gifted programming in elementary schools. In high school I was enrolled in what was then called an "enriched" program for academically inclined students. So, why didn't I struggle in school like many who have ADHD? Well, I did, but not in the way that made anyone suspect anything other than a precocious and energetic child.

Sure, I had trouble sitting still in kindergarten, but what 5 year old doesn't? I was often sent to sit away from the group during story time because I couldn't sit and listen without fidgeting, but when I was school-aged that was just seen as misbehaviour and punished and that was the end of it. (In hindsight, this was probably the worst thing for me because fidgeting helped me truly hear and comprehend the story, whereas being sent back to my desk probably resulted in me doing something entirely different and not listening to the story at all). 

One of the challenges for twice exceptional students is that their giftedness can often mask the symptoms and struggles caused by other diagnoses, and doing well in school often means no one takes notice of other difficulties because the students seem to be just "fine". They may be doing well academically, but they may have to work twice as hard to do so, and there are more important considerations when measuring a person's success.

Twice exceptional students may have executive functioning challenges and frequently pull all-nighters in order to get their assignments in on time (which, of course, I did). Having to pull all-nighters does not a diagnosis make, but pervasive executive functioning difficulties, such as difficulty with organization and time management, can lead to a student feeling overwhelmed. Frequent all-nighters can lead to a sleep-deprived student unable to absorb information in class because of exhaustion, as well as other quality of life issues due to fatigue and stress. 

This also presents challenges at home, work, and in all of our relationships, including our own self-perceptions.  I admit to, on a daily basis, having unrealistic expectations of both myself and my son.  My 7 year old son presents as so asynchronous that in one day he can read an entire 600-page novel meant for 10-12 year olds and yet can't seem to go upstairs and brush his teeth and get ready for bed in an orderly fashion.  He can seem so mature that I expect so much of him, but then I am forced to remember that intellectual maturity is a completely separate entity from emotional maturity and executive functioning.  

Despite many experts providing a wealth of information on ADHD, we are still in the early stages of public awareness and education, and even earlier with regards to twice exceptionality. I completed a 3-year Diploma in Youth Work as well as a BA in Psychology, and worked in the social services field for 10 years, and still had never heard the term 2e until my son was diagnosed.

If you suspect you or your child might have ADHD, speak to your doctor or mental health professional about your questions or concerns.  There is a lot of great information posted on the Centre for ADHD Awareness Canada's website and I will post additional links below.  

If you or someone in your life is struggling to get the supports they need, please visit ADHDPro.ca to see if we can help.  If we can't, we're always happy to provide referrals to additional resources.  

Further reading...

Learn more about ADHD:

CADDAC - The Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada

Understood.org - Understood is an American website, so some references to educational rights and laws will not be applicable, but it is a fantastic resource for information on ADHD and neurodiversity in general.

Learn more about Twice Exceptionality:

7 Myths About Twice Exceptional (2e) Students

Twice Exceptional Students

Twice Exceptional Kids: Both Gifted and Challenged

With Understanding Comes Calm

TECA - Twice Exceptional Children's Advocacy

Learn more about Gifted Children:

National Association for Gifted Children

Social Emotional Needs of the Gifted

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

Our Journey Began...

Our Journey Began...  

Our son is an only child, so everything that we've experienced with him have been our firsts as well as his. We were well-informed parents, but no amount of reading can replace the life-changing experience of parenting.

When our son started school they told us he was incredibly bright, and found the academic part of school too easy, but that socially he needed some additional supports. He was impulsive and his feelings were... well, really big.

His Preschool and Kindergarten teachers were wonderful. They were both incredibly nurturing and they saw our son's struggles as lagging skills, not as intentional misbehaviour. We listened to their advice and worked hard to support our son in the best way we could.

When our son moved to a different school in grade one things escalated. He was even more bored and frustrated with the academics and he struggled socially. He didn't acquiesce: Our son was not the kind of child who would automatically fall in line and follow orders without question. Being a person who challenges the status quo is actually a strength, having critical thinking skills and an ability to question authority will serve him well in the future... Unfortunately our traditional school system does not appreciate these qualities in a first grader, and six year olds are not exactly known for their tact and ability to pick their battles wisely. As we would come to find out, this school was particularly rigid in their expectations.

When the school would suggest something, we would go along with it. When the school gave advice, we listened. When the school asked us to "have a talk" with our son, we did. We thought they were the experts and this was all new to us, so we yielded to their expertise.

Dear parents, if you read no further, please read this: Don't. Do. That. Don't assume that others know your child or how to support them better than you do.

Go with your gut, trust your instincts, and if you have questions, ask them. Don't blindly follow like the system wants you to. I know that sounds a little conspiracy-theory-esque, but what I mean is that it makes their jobs easier if we all just follow along and don't rock the boat. When it's not making things better for your child, then rock that boat, sink it if you have to and build your own damn life raft. Your child is worth it, and school administrators don't always know better, especially when it comes to kids who don't fit inside their box of what a typical child is supposed to act like.

"When it's not making things better for your child, then rock that boat, sink it if you have to and build your own damn life raft."

I am certainly not suggesting anyone go in guns blazing in the first school meeting, the best approach is absolutely one of cooperation and collaboration.  Always be professional and respectful.  Just remember that respectful does not equal obedient, and that goes for both parents and children.  Our first responsibility is to our child.  Schools have a larger picture to worry about: other students, their staff, budgets, other parents, their senior administration, politicis, etc....  That's their problem, not ours.  Our only job is to get to the heart of what is best for our children and to expect that everyone sitting around the table do the same.  

If you need help advocating for your child (much like we did two years ago), please feel free to contact us, or an advocate you trust to support and guide you.  

We also have a list of resources available in Manitoba on our website.  

To read more about our journey, read our next blog post, "And Then There Were 2(e)..."  

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.