"Punishment" Does. Not. Work.

Bear with me.

Before you read the title and dismiss the premise, I am not advocating for a "permissive" (i.e. let them do whatever they want) style of parenting, and I am not suggesting that children shouldn't have boundaries.  

The difference is that boundaries and discipline are about teaching, whereas punishment is about retribution.  Punishment often includes shaming and/or blaming which can really harm our children's self-esteem.  Causing children to feel shame about their behaviour without giving them the skills or tools to do better will likely lead to worsening behaviour.  

More concerning, children may internalize the messages they receive about themselves (either directly or indirectly), which leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy ("well, they say I'm a bad kid, so what's the point in even trying?").  In addition, children follow our examples much more than they listen to our words, so if we role model flying off the handle (yelling, punishing, etc.) when a child does something goes wrong, then that is the example we are setting for them.  

 

"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." -- James A. Baldwin 

What I am saying is that adult-imposed punishments (usually referred to as "consequences" because apparently that sounds nicer) are rarely effective.

Way back in 2007 when I started my Psychology degree, a professor sat at the front of a lecture hall and told a group of students "we (meaning we humans) suck at punishment."  He was right.  Our professor went on to explain that, in order for our adult-imposed consequences to be effective, they would have to be immediate and severe enough that the behaviour would never happen again.  How many times do we blame a child for "not learning" from consequences?  "Johnny has been suspended three times for this behaviour, why doesn't he learn?" we ask.  Hmm, if we are repeating our behaviour of punishing him in this way, despite the fact that it's not helping him, then why aren't we learning and changing our behaviour?

Well, if we read our learning theory textbooks, then we would realize that it's not Johnny's fault that the adults in his life haven't taken he time looking beneath the surface to discover the underlying causes of his behaviour.  Yeah, we, the ones with the fully-developed prefrontal cortex are responsible for sorting this stuff out, not little Johnny.  The prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain responsible for complex decision-making - and much more) is not fully developed until approximately 25-30 years of age (and children with Executive Functioning difficulties, such as those with ADHD, are approximately 30% behind their peers in brain maturation).  

Consequences that are delayed (i.e. a detention, suspension, grounding, etc.) and that gradually increase in intensity (the first time is a warning, the second a detention, and so on)...  are ineffective.  Children, especially children with learning differences, have a difficult time connecting delayed consequences with their behaviour.  We humans are very good at habituating (getting used to) punishments, especially when they slowly increase in severity.
 

In scientific literature, punishment is defined by its impact on behaviour.  So it's only actually referred to as punishment if the behaviour decreases or stops.

If we continue imposing these consequences, despite the fact that they are not helping the student (nor the school, or family, etc) because they are ineffective, then what is it?  Retribution?  Shame?  Certainly nothing good or useful, which is why I started out saying that punishment (but really not punishment) simply Does. Not. Work.  It often does more harm than good, because it hurts the self-esteem of the child, it can hurt their relationship with the adult(s) doling out the consequence, and in the end the child learns nothing other than better ways to avoid getting caught and/or that they are a "bad" kid.  

In her book, "Grow Together", Dr. Joanna Luvmour states: 

• Punishment teaches children how to avoid punishment; it does not teach children anything about the nature of an appropriate relationship. 
• Guidance is in relationships is required to form new knowledge of how to behave properly.  (Luvmour, 2016, p. 12) 

 

After all this adult-imposed punishment, if no interventions are put in place to actually support the child, then they still have no idea how to do better, and the cycle continues.  We're essentially punishing the children for not having skills when we haven't taken the time to teach them.  Not to mention the fact that what we're role-modelling is punishment and retribution, which is often what we're punishing the child for in the first place....  When you think about it that way, doesn't it sound horribly cruel?

So, if a child's behaviour is disruptive, harmful, or maladaptive, how do we help them?  Look for the root cause, the underlying factors that are driving the behaviour.  All behaviour is communication.  What is the child trying to tell us?  Believe it or not, it is extremely rare for a child to misbehave just for the sake of it.

All behaviour is communication

How do we find this out?  Here's a novel idea, why don't we ask the child?  And when I say ask, I don't mean interrogate, I mean ask with the intent of truly understanding their experience and perspective.  Ask open-ended questions without blame or shame, and truly listen to the answers.  Observe the child, build and strengthen your relationship with the child, and talk to the child.  Watch interactions that are happening, really get to know the child, and learn about their world and their perspective.  Find out what is occurring before the problem behaviours.  If you take the time to do a little detective work with a focus on understanding, compassion, and empathy you'll be surprised what you can learn.  

Don't assume or jump to conclusions, because our assumptions are usually wrong.  Seriously.  I've been humbled so many times thinking I know what a child is going to say and then they tell me something completely different.  Give children the dignity of being treated like the competent human beings that they are, they are people who have something very important to contribute to the problem-solving process.  Show them you genuinely care about their feelings and their thoughts and they will enlighten you.  

"Give children the dignity of being treated like the competent human beings that they are" 

Not only that, but role-modelling this process will help children build the skills to begin doing this for themselves, first with support, and later independently.  This will reduce the undesired behaviour, but more importantly, will help boost their self-esteem and will set them up for future success.  It is worth it.  They are worth it. 

Alfie Kohn on Behaviourism 

The following are excerpts from an article posted by Alfie Kohn, an expert on behaviour, education, and parenting:  

• “...contrary to widespread assumptions, behaviour modification techniques aren’t supported by solid data” 

• “the more you reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. And they often end up being less successful at a task they’re completing than are people who weren’t offered any reward for doing it.”

• “regardless of whether we’re talking about kids with emotional issues, problems with learning or attention, intellectual disabilities, or behavior challenges, offering rewards (including praise) for doing what the adult wants can sometimes buy temporary compliance, but rarely does the intended effect generalize to other situations. And not uncommonly it is actually worse than doing nothing.”

• “our relationship with the child is what matters most.  He or she is not a passive object to be manipulated but a subject, a center of experience, a person with agency, with needs and rights.  We have an obligation to look beneath the behaviour”

• “What looks like progress is happening at the expense of the child’s sense of self, comfort, feelings of safety, ability to love who they are, stress levels, and more. The outward appearance is of improvement, but that outward improvement is married to a dramatic increase in internal anxiety and suffering.”

Link to full article:  https://nepc.colorado.edu/blog/autism-and-behaviorism

Further Resources

 

Alfi Kohn's Books, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason and Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes 

Penny Williams's Parenting ADHD Podcast : "Why Punishing Your Kids is Bad Parenting"

Dr. Ross Greene's book : "Raising Human Beings"

Child Mind Institute Article: "ADHD and Behaviour Problems"

Dr. Josette Luvmour's book :  "Grow Together" 

The Child Mind Institute, "Teaching Children About Boundaries:  Why Empathy and Self-Awareness Play a Major Role", by Rae Jacobson 

The American Academy of Pediatrics, Discipline vs. Punishment

An Open Letter to our Member of Parliament

Below is a copy of our email sent to: candice.bergen@parl.gc.ca Thursday, June 11 at 12:15PM. (Some parts of this letter were adapted and personalized from a public call-to-action written by Janet Forbes, Executive Director of Inclusion Winnipeg.)  

To the honourable Member Ms. Candice Bergen,

It is my understanding that Bill C-17, the Bill that contains the authority to issue the disability payments of $600, did not pass on June 10th, despite the fact that there was a motion tabled by the Liberal House Leader to separate the Bill into two separate Bills (C-17 and C-18) one to deal just with the disability payments.  

I am a mother to a child with a disability and I have been unemployed for nearly 3 months due to the Coronavirus pandemic.  I don’t expect to be able to resume work until the Fall, and that is only if we do not get a second wave of Covid-19 during the Flu season.  

It is also my understanding that the Opposition would like to see access expanded beyond current DTC eligibility criteria.  I very strongly disagree with the Federal Conservative Party using the lack of a full parliament (due to a pandemic) as a bargaining chip and an excuse to refuse to cooperate with the other parties.  All parties should negotiate with the government in good faith on the merit of their Bill(s) and not hold Canadians with disabilities, and all Canadians, hostage by using delay tactics.  

There have been many unanimous consent Bills put through during this pandemic, including financial support for many vulnerable populations.  People living with disabilities are in desperate need of financial support right now and can’t afford to be caught in the middle of political wrangling between parties, many of these individuals reside right here in your Portage—Lisgar Constituency.  

We are relying on you and your Honourable Colleagues to speak up for your constituents, vulnerable human beings, some of whom are struggling right now to make ends meet while trying to provide for themselves and children with disabilities.  

Please put people before politics and urge your fellow Honourable Members to do the same.

Thank you.


Respectfully, 

Jillian@ADHDPro.ca
CYW, BA Psych.
ADHD 2e Child Advocate
Cartier, Manitoba R4K 1A5
www.ADHDPro.ca

Want to get involved? 

You can view the transcript of the June 10th proceedings on the Our Commons website.  

You can also find your MP by entering your postal code on the Our Commons website.  

Contact your local MP and tell them your story.  They won't likely be moved to action unless they see that a large majority of their constituency feels strongly about this issue and that it will impact their decision when voting in the next election. 

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