Struggling in School?

Is Your Child Struggling in School?

Are you seeing your child struggling in school, yet the school doesn't feel it's "that bad"?  

I grow weary of hearing comments along the lines of "they're not struggling enough to qualify for resources." 

Based on whose measure of "struggling"?  

If a parent is expressing a concern, then the child is obviously struggling in some way, otherwise the parent wouldn't be bringing it up.  It's time that schools* started taking parent concerns seriously, rather than trying to sweep them under the rug, minimize them, avoid taking responsibility, or put up a fight in order to see if the parent is serious enough to push.  Not all parents know how to advocate for their child or know when it's within their rights to do so.  

*Note:  This is absolutely not all schools, nor all teachers, nor all administrators.  Many school staff go above and beyond for their students and all schools in Manitoba are underfunded, under resourced, understaffed, and over stressed.  Unfortunately schools have been put into the position where they have to triage in order to ensure their very limited resources are available for the students who need them most.  

Our focus here is on the teachers and administrators who don't take parent concerns seriously or think that a child is doing "fine" simply because there aren't obvious behaviours or indicators that are easy to spot.  Some children are very good at "masking" or hiding their struggles, some students do very well on standardized testing and are still seriously struggling.

Masking can be a result of a child developing strategies to "fit in" with their peers, not wanting to stand out, or being afraid or embarrassed to ask for help when they need it.  It can also be a result of having behaviours punished repeatedly or being shamed for problems related to their disability (such as a child with ADHD behaving impulsively and speaking out of turn in class) to the point where these behaviours are suppressed.  Suppressing behaviours is not the same as providing support for the underlying causes and masking can have a serious negative effect on people's mental health, self-esteem, and wellbeing.

When it comes to accessing resources and referrals at school, this usually means either the student's behaviour is disruptive, or their struggles are made obvious on standardized tests.  

Those are not the only two ways in which children struggle and it's long past time all schools recognize that and prioritize student mental health and social-emotional learning.

What Masking Can Look Like

• The school reports that a child is doing very well, yet that child has has a meltdown when they come home from school, or is very emotional before and/or after school. 
• Your child is struggling socially: expresses feeling lonely, describes being left out, and/or has frequent trouble with peers at school. 
• Your child does well on academic tasks, but this comes at great cost.  They may spend hours on homework in order to get it right, show traits of perfectionism, and have a great deal of stress and anxiety about their school work or about school in general. 

Please note: These are general examples, but of course masking will not be the only reason for children experiencing these struggles at school.  It is even more challenging when a child with ADHD is also academically very bright or gifted, as their intelligence may also overcompensate for their challenges related to their neurodiversity.  (There are actually quite a few aspects of giftedness that overlap with ADHD, such as emotional intensity, but I digress...). 

If readers get nothing else out of this blog post, I want the following two points to be made abundantly clear:

1. Academic success is not an acceptable reason or excuse to deny a child their right to accommodations and supports for their disability.  
2. Social-emotional health is much more important than academic performance and children do not learn well when they are highly stressed, anxious, fearful, or working so hard to mask that they cannot absorb what is being taught.  

I repeat: 

Academic success is not an excuse to deny a student accommodations and supports for their disability.

And, perhaps just as harmful, please do not tell a child with ADHD or a learning disability "you're so smart, you just need to work harder and apply yourself."  They would if they could.  They very likely can, but first they need (and have the right to receive) the appropriate help to do so.  All students deserve to be able to show the very best of themselves, not just “good enough” based on the classroom teacher’s opinion.  Meaning: if a child is doing well academically, but it’s causing them significant psychological, emotional, or social difficulty, then they still require accommodations so that they can be their best self without it taking a toll on their mental health.  

Beyond assessment, we want to instil in students a love of learning and foster a joy in curiosity.  If a student is very bright, but school is a daily slog which they dread every day, then their chances of meeting their potential and pursuing higher education decrease every year that goes by without proper support.  

Beyond academics, the core subjects are not the only thing children learn at school.  In fact, there have been many studies clearly demonstrating that students forget a significant portion of the academic cotent they are taught in school.  What they do learn and remember meaningfully are relationships: Relationships with peers, teachers, and other school staff.  Public safety data in Canada indicates that 47% of parents report their child has experienced bullying in school.  Children with ADHD are 13% more likely to experience bullying and social challenges, that’s up to 60% of children with ADHD who might experience bullying (Unnever & Cornell, 2003).  

Much more important than memorizing multiplication tables, all children in schools need to learn about neurodiversity, disabilities, and celebrating individual differences in general.  When whole classes and schools are taught facts about neurodiversity, those students are significantly less likely to bully other children for being different, and are much more likely to be kind and inclusive toward those children (Cook et al., 2020).  Knowledge and understanding goes a long way toward fostering acceptance -- acceptance from peers, and acceptance of ourselves and all the strengths and struggles that come with our neurodiverse brains.  

When students are given appropriate accommodations and supports they are less anxious, less stressed, and more able to engage with their peers because they feel more comfortable at school.  The CADDAC has some great suggestions for specific accommodations and supports for various ADHD symptoms that can impact children at school.  

In closing, I will reiterate the two most important points I wanted to make clear in this post:

1. Academic success is not an acceptable reason or excuse to deny a child their right to accommodations and supports for their disability.  
2. Social-emotional health is much more important than academic performance and children do not learn well when they are highly stressed, anxious, fearful, or working so hard to mask that they cannot absorb what is being taught.  

If you are concerned about your neurodiverse child and need help advocating for them, please do not hesitate to contact us.  

 

References 

Cook, A., Ogden, J., & Winstone, N. (2020). The effect of school exposure and personal contact on attitudes towards bullying and autism in schools: A cohort study with a control group. Autism : the international journal of research and practice, 24(8), 2178–2189.

Unnever, J. D. & Cornell, D. G.. (2003). Bullying, Self Control and ADHD. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 18(2): 129-147.

 

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

Further Resources

ADHD 2e Pro has compiled an extensive list of Manitoba-local and online resources for ADHD.  

We also have a blog post with advice for advocating for your child.  

Punishments Don't Teach Skills

Punishments Don't Teach Skills 

Okay, maybe one: They may teach people how to be better at avoiding punishment.

They may teach people how to fear punishment (or worse, the punisher).

An adult losing their cool and punishing a child may teach that child to do the same when things don't go their way.  

Punishments do not teach skills.  As we explained in another blog post, punishment usually doesn't do what we want it to do, which is change someone's behaviour.  

As experts like Dr. Ross Greene, Alfie Kohn, and many others have been trying to teach us for decades: misbehaviour comes from missing skills.  "Misbehaviour" does not need to be punished.  Children need to be taught, guided, supported, and shown what to do instead.  

First, what is misbehaviour?  

If a child is doing something you don't like, or behaviour another adult doesn't like, first ask why?  

• Is the adult frustrated because they aren't getting their way?  
• Is the adult annoyed because the child is not immediately complying with their demand(s)  
• Are you, or your co-parent, embarrassed by the behaviour?  
• Does the behaviour actually need to change, or can the environment change to fit the needs of the child?  
• Are the expectations even realistic for the child's developmental age and stage?  
• Is the child trying to communicate a need?  
• What skill(s) is the child missing to be able to follow through with what is expected?  

Punishing a child for any of the above reasons (which are usually the primary reasons) is unfair and, again, ineffective.  

It never fails. 

A parent posts a question in an online forum, for example, asking for advice.  Their child isn't following the rules around screen time, what should they do?  The answers, inevitably, go something like this:  

• Take away screens forever!  Lock them up for good!  
• Hide the remotes!   Hide the controllers!
• Hide the power cord! 
• Put passwords and padlocks on all of the things!  

Okay... and then what?  An adult will have to monitor and gate-keep all electronic devices and their use for the foreseeable future, until they get tired of it and the child goes back to the same behaviours with no new skills learned?  Alternatively, the child learns how to work around these systems and learns to sneak their screens, instead of ask for them?  

Both are distinct possibilities. 

Let me be clear, I am absolutely not advocating for unlimited screen time (nor am I advocating for a permissive, let them do whatever they want style of parenting).  I am a strong proponent of very limited screen time, especially in young children, and we have quite stringent boundaries around screens in our household.  However, we didn't come to these limits by locking everything up.  We sat down as a family, discussed our concerns, our goals, and discussed the risks and benefits of screen use.  

Do we have perfect harmony, even when we enforce these boundaries?  Absolutely not (I wish!).  We're a family of humans, two of whom are 2e, there are definitely still challenges with pretty much any boundary.  That said, our son is (mostly) much more accepting of limits when he's been included in the conversation: The reasons behind the limits have been discussed and explained, his perspective has been heard, and his feelings respected and validated (note that respecting and validating feelings are not the same as giving in because a child is upset).   

Let's Try Another Example  

My child is disrespectful when I tell him "no", what do I do?

• Take away his privileges!
• Force him to write a letter of apology!
• Don't let him think he rules the roost, put him in his place! 

Facepalm.

Let's look at some possible reasons children may speak to adults in a disrespectful manner: 

Possibility #1: Big Feelings

They're angry, upset, disappointed, or their feelings are hurt.  

(or all of the above at once)

They may not yet know how to express this in a calmer, kinder manner, or their self-regulation may not be developed enough to use these skills when they are experiencing intense emotions.  And many neurodiverse children tend to feel their emotions very intensely.  In particular, children with ADHD can have significant struggles with emotional regulation.  This is due to that delayed Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) development mentioned in our other blog post, and certainly not something over which children have any control.  Jessica McCabe created a great video about ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation on her How to ADHD YouTube channel:  

Possibility #2: Impulsivity 

Remember: Neurodiverse brains develop differently from neurotypical brains, that's why they're called neurodiverse.  Impulsivity is a key feature of ADHD and is caused by differences in the brain's wiring: A significant difference between an ADHD brain and a non-ADHD brain is the weakened or disrupted signal between the Thalamus (responsible for response inhibition) and the Frontal Cortex (responsible for decision-making).  Another biological factor over which we have no control.  

A child who responds by kicking over his chair, yelling obscenities, and stomping out of the room is clearly lacking some strategies for dealing with disappointment and managing their intense feelings.  They also likely reacted impulsively, meaning without stopping to think first.  This may be because their brain's communication between their thalamus and frontal cortex is not as developed as that of a neurotypical child, which again, would be something over which they have no control.

That's all well and good, but... 

If we're not suggesting punishment or adult-imposed "consequences" for knocking over a chair and calling you a name, then what do we suggest?  

First, if your child has stomped to their room or to some other safe space, awesome!  Why is it awesome that they slammed their door and told you to "go away?" in less-than flowery language?  Because they've taken space to cool off, and if they're in their room writing bad things about you in their journal or listening to angry music then cool, because those are some ways that people regulate.  Even better if they have a "calming kit" or "chill" zone: a safe space they have chosen for themselves (or worked with you to set up), possibly with a soft blanket or pillow, sensory items, books they like to read, or whatever works to help them calm down when they feel overwhelmed.  

Below is an example of one of the calm down menus we have created with our son when he was younger.  These options were developed with him, in conversations while he was calm, and that have been adapted and adjusted as he gets older and develops different preferences, needs, and skills. 

Role Model 

The best way for children to learn how to self-regulate is for the adult to help them do so by providing acknowledgement and validation of their feelings, support and comfort, and then role-modelling healthy ways of dealing with our emotions.  We have some fantastic book and podcast recommendations on another blog post, many of the books listed include strategies for supporting children with emotional regulation and for dealing with challenging behaviours.  

Decide what needs to happen.  

• Do the adults need to adjust their expectations to be more in line with the child's developmental age and their current skills?  
• Are there adjustments that can be made to the environment to set the child up for success?
• What need is the child trying to communicate with their behaviour, and how can we meet that need?  
• What stressors are in the child's life that are contributing to the behaviour?   
• What skills need to be taught to allow the child to meet realistic and fair expectations? 

 

Collaborate with your Child 

Once cooler heads prevail, it's time to dig into what is contributing to the behaviour.   

Dr. Ross Greene has an amazing approach called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), in which the child and adult(s) come together to identify and communicate their concerns, then work as a team to come up with reasonable and mutually-agreeable solutions.  It's certainly not a panacea: There often need to be multiple conversations, multiple potential options for solutions, and the plan often needs to be re-worked.  This approach teaches children communication, problem-solving, and teamwork skills.  It also allows them to work through their feelings, but not stew in them, as they then focus on possible solutions alongside trusted adults in their lives.  

Dr. Greene's Lives in the Balance website has extensive CPS resources for parents, educators, and other professionals.  

Learn Everything You Can 

Seriously, the old adage that knowledge is power is an old adage for good reason.  

Understanding the "why" behind your child's behaviour not only helps you problem-solve and support them more effectively, it also helps you show them more compassion and empathy.  Become an expert on your child.  If they have ADHD, read all of the things on ADHD (preferably all of the evidence-based, well-researched, well-written things).  The more you understand the biology, psychology, neurology, every-ology about your child, the better you will be able to regulate how you respond to them.  Instead of "why on earth did you do that?!" you'll be able to say to yourself: "I know why they did that. I still don't like it, but at least I know they didn't do it just to be a jerk" (or something along those lines).  

Lose your temper, yell, fail, fall down, dust yourself off, and try again.  

Seriously.  It's going to happen, so expect it and be kind to yourself.  This parenting thing is hard, and it can be even harder with neurodiverse children.  Build yourself a community (however big or small you prefer) of like-minded parents, caring friends and/or family, and supportive people to lean on when you need someone.  

Apologize to your child when you do lose your cool.  This is not showing weakness: Apologizing is showing strength, it is role-modelling taking responsibility and making amends when we mess up, because we all do.  Even the most patient and nurturing of parents have bad days and imperfect families.  We can do everything right and our child might still have a meltdown.  

Because childhood.

Go easy on yourself and on your child because the world will be hard enough on us all.   

 

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.  

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

 

Further Resources 

ADHD 2e Pro has compiled an extensive list of ADHD 2e resources, both local here in Manitoba, and online.  We also have a large recommended reading list on another blog post  that we add to regularly.  

Raising Human Beings, by Dr. Ross Greene

The Power of Showing Up, by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson 

Connections Over Compliance, by Dr. Lori Desautels 

Parenting with Presence, by Susan Stiffelman

PsychScene Hub :  Neurobiology of ADHD

Understood.org : ADHD and Emotions and Impulsivity in Children 

How to ADHD : ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation

ADDitude Magazine : Impulsivity & Impulsive Behavior