Punishments Don't Teach Skills

Okay, maybe one: They may teach people how to be better at avoiding punishment.

They may teach people how to fear punishment (or worse, the punisher).

An adult losing their cool and punishing a child may teach that child to do the same when things don't go their way.

Punishments do not teach skills. As we explained in another blog post, punishment usually doesn't do what we want it to do, which is change someone's behaviour.

As experts like Dr. Ross Greene, Alfie Kohn, and many others have been trying to teach us for decades: misbehaviour comes from missing skills. "Misbehaviour" does not need to be punished. Children need to be taught, guided, supported, and shown what to do instead.

First, what is misbehaviour?

If a child is doing something you don't like, or behaviour another adult doesn't like, first ask why?

Is the adult frustrated because they aren't getting their way?
Is the adult annoyed because the child is not immediately complying with their demand(s)
Are you, or your co-parent, embarrassed by the behaviour?
Does the behaviour actually need to change, or can the environment change to fit the needs of the child?
Are the expectations even realistic for the child's developmental age and stage?
Is the child trying to communicate a need?
What skill(s) is the child missing to be able to follow through with what is expected?

Punishing a child for any of the above reasons (which are usually the primary reasons) is unfair and, again, ineffective.

It never fails.

A parent posts a question in an online forum, for example, asking for advice. Their child isn't following the rules around screen time, what should they do? The answers, inevitably, go something like this:

Take away screens forever! Lock them up for good!
Hide the remotes! Hide the controllers!
Hide the power cord!
Put passwords and padlocks on all of the things!

Okay... and then what? An adult will have to monitor and gate-keep all electronic devices and their use for the foreseeable future, until they get tired of it and the child goes back to the same behaviours with no new skills learned? Alternatively, the child learns how to work around these systems and learns to sneak their screens, instead of ask for them?

Both are distinct possibilities.

Let me be clear, I am absolutely not advocating for unlimited screen time (nor am I advocating for a permissive, let them do whatever they want style of parenting). I am a strong proponent of very limited screen time, especially in young children, and we have quite stringent boundaries around screens in our household. However, we didn't come to these limits by locking everything up. We sat down as a family, discussed our concerns, our goals, and discussed the risks and benefits of screen use.

Do we have perfect harmony, even when we enforce these boundaries? Absolutely not (I wish!). We're a family of humans, two of whom are 2e, there are definitely still challenges with pretty much any boundary. That said, our son is (mostly) much more accepting of limits when he's been included in the conversation: The reasons behind the limits have been discussed and explained, his perspective has been heard, and his feelings respected and validated (note that respecting and validating feelings are not the same as giving in because a child is upset).

Let's Try Another Example

My child is disrespectful when I tell him "no", what do I do?

Take away his privileges!
Force him to write a letter of apology!
Don't let him think he rules the roost, put him in his place!

Facepalm.

Let's look at some possible reasons children may speak to adults in a disrespectful manner:

Possibility #1: Big Feelings

They're angry, upset, disappointed, or their feelings are hurt.

(or all of the above at once)

They may not yet know how to express this in a calmer, kinder manner, or their self-regulation may not be developed enough to use these skills when they are experiencing intense emotions. And many neurodiverse children tend to feel their emotions very intensely. In particular, children with ADHD can have significant struggles with emotional regulation. This is due to that delayed Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) development mentioned in our other blog post, and certainly not something over which children have any control. Jessica McCabe created a great video about ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation on her How to ADHD YouTube channel:

Possibility #2: Impulsivity

Remember: Neurodiverse brains develop differently from neurotypical brains, that's why they're called neurodiverse. Impulsivity is a key feature of ADHD and is caused by differences in the brain's wiring: A significant difference between an ADHD brain and a non-ADHD brain is the weakened or disrupted signal between the Thalamus (responsible for response inhibition) and the Frontal Cortex (responsible for decision-making). Another biological factor over which we have no control.

A child who responds by kicking over his chair, yelling obscenities, and stomping out of the room is clearly lacking some strategies for dealing with disappointment and managing their intense feelings. They also likely reacted impulsively, meaning without stopping to think first. This may be because their brain's communication between their thalamus and frontal cortex is not as developed as that of a neurotypical child, which again, would be something over which they have no control.

That's all well and good, but...

If we're not suggesting punishment or adult-imposed "consequences" for knocking over a chair and calling you a name, then what do we suggest?

First, if your child has stomped to their room or to some other safe space, awesome! Why is it awesome that they slammed their door and told you to "go away?" in less-than flowery language? Because they've taken space to cool off, and if they're in their room writing bad things about you in their journal or listening to angry music then cool, because those are some ways that people regulate. Even better if they have a "calming kit" or "chill" zone: a safe space they have chosen for themselves (or worked with you to set up), possibly with a soft blanket or pillow, sensory items, books they like to read, or whatever works to help them calm down when they feel overwhelmed.

Below is an example of one of the calm down menus we have created with our son when he was younger. These options were developed with him, in conversations while he was calm, and that have been adapted and adjusted as he gets older and develops different preferences, needs, and skills.

Role Model

The best way for children to learn how to self-regulate is for the adult to help them do so by providing acknowledgement and validation of their feelings, support and comfort, and then role-modelling healthy ways of dealing with our emotions. We have some fantastic book and podcast recommendations on another blog post, many of the books listed include strategies for supporting children with emotional regulation and for dealing with challenging behaviours.

Decide what needs to happen.

Do the adults need to adjust their expectations to be more in line with the child's developmental age and their current skills?
Are there adjustments that can be made to the environment to set the child up for success?
What need is the child trying to communicate with their behaviour, and how can we meet that need?
What stressors are in the child's life that are contributing to the behaviour?
What skills need to be taught to allow the child to meet realistic and fair expectations?

Collaborate with your Child

Once cooler heads prevail, it's time to dig into what is contributing to the behaviour.

Dr. Ross Greene has an amazing approach called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS), in which the child and adult(s) come together to identify and communicate their concerns, then work as a team to come up with reasonable and mutually-agreeable solutions. It's certainly not a panacea: There often need to be multiple conversations, multiple potential options for solutions, and the plan often needs to be re-worked. This approach teaches children communication, problem-solving, and teamwork skills. It also allows them to work through their feelings, but not stew in them, as they then focus on possible solutions alongside trusted adults in their lives.

Dr. Greene's Lives in the Balance website has extensive CPS resources for parents, educators, and other professionals.

Learn Everything You Can

Seriously, the old adage that knowledge is power is an old adage for good reason.

Understanding the "why" behind your child's behaviour not only helps you problem-solve and support them more effectively, it also helps you show them more compassion and empathy. Become an expert on your child. If they have ADHD, read all of the things on ADHD (preferably all of the evidence-based, well-researched, well-written things). The more you understand the biology, psychology, neurology, every-ology about your child, the better you will be able to regulate how you respond to them. Instead of "why on earth did you do that?!" you'll be able to say to yourself: "I know why they did that. I still don't like it, but at least I know they didn't do it just to be a jerk" (or something along those lines).

Lose your temper, yell, fail, fall down, dust yourself off, and try again.

Seriously. It's going to happen, so expect it and be kind to yourself. This parenting thing is hard, and it can be even harder with neurodiverse children. Build yourself a community (however big or small you prefer) of like-minded parents, caring friends and/or family, and supportive people to lean on when you need someone.

Apologize to your child when you do lose your cool. This is not showing weakness: Apologizing is showing strength, it is role-modelling taking responsibility and making amends when we mess up, because we all do. Even the most patient and nurturing of parents have bad days and imperfect families. We can do everything right and our child might still have a meltdown.

Because childhood.

Go easy on yourself and on your child because the world will be hard enough on us all.

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.
Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.
Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

Further Resources

ADHD 2e Pro has compiled an extensive list of ADHD 2e resources, both local here in Manitoba, and online. We also have a large recommended reading list on another blog post that we add to regularly.

Raising Human Beings, by Dr. Ross Greene

The Power of Showing Up, by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Bryson

Connections Over Compliance, by Dr. Lori Desautels

Parenting with Presence, by Susan Stiffelman

PsychScene Hub : Neurobiology of ADHD

Understood.org : ADHD and Emotions and Impulsivity in Children

How to ADHD : ADHD and Emotional Dysregulation

ADDitude Magazine : Impulsivity & Impulsive Behavior

Tuesday, March 30, 2021