And Then There Were 2(e)

...And Then There Were Two Along for the Journey

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD in March of 2019, then assessed as being cognitively gifted in June of 2019. A diagnosis of gifted+ (gifted, plus another diagnosis) is commonly referred to as "twice exceptional", or 2e (more links about what it means to be 2e at the bottom of this post). 

After our son was diagnosed, I took it upon myself to learn everything I possibly could about ADHD that I hadn't learned in school. I quickly realized that my 10-year-old psych degree and 13-year-old CYW diploma were not nearly enough to make me an expert on the topic, so I made it my mission.

I am working on another blog post with a list of book recommendations based on the books I have read thus far. 

It didn't take me long to notice a lot of similarity between my son's symptoms and struggles and my own, which is not entirely surprising, as ADHD is highly genetic and very commonly found in multiple family members. (Recently we shared blog post from ADHD Rollercoaster on our Facebook page about another mom's similar experience). 

I spoke to my family doctor and received a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in Adult ADHD. In October 2019 I received my own official diagnosis. When I told my son he said "I already knew you had ADHD, Mom"! We had spent the previous seven months learning everything we could together and he was becoming increasingly knowledgeable and self-aware. My observant little dude had already noticed the many similarities between us.

Now that I, too, am more self-aware I can't believe I didn't realize this earlier. For example, this not-very-long blog post took more than three hours pieced together throughout the day to complete. Not because I couldn't think of what to write, but because once I started writing I suddenly realized I had to to all of the things. I mentioned my book list, so I had to go and update it. Then I needed (wanted) a cup of coffee, which reminded me that I had only halfway finished the dishes in the sink, so I (mostly) finished those. Then I remembered I had meant to take the recycling out and put in some laundry, so I did that too, and so on. 

It isn't a matter of procrastination, this blog is a labour of love, and I have no reason to do it other than because I want to. My extreme multi-tasking happens because one action or thought reminds me of another, and before I know it I have seven half-finished tasks on the go. Luckily I eventually (usually) finish them all and this process seems to (mostly) work for me, but that's after many years of developing strategies and essentially becoming used to how my brain works. There was definitely a time in my life when those seven tasks would all remain half-finished and I would just keep starting new ones as the mood struck. I'm also still very forgetful, often misplace things, and rely heavily on technology to keep organized. 

The thing is, this has also been my superpower, and has probably helped me be a successful entrepreneur for the past 10+ years. I started my own business from the ground up in 2010 and turned it into a profitable full-time job for myself, as well as creating part-time jobs for a handful of employees. I have succeeded in part because of outside-the-box thinking, very common amongst 2e/ADHD folks, which helps me solve problems in ways that others may not think of. I am a master of hyperfocus, which can be both a help and a hazard for people with ADHD. I can set my sights on a work-related task and not come up for air until it is done. My son is like this as well, when he's reading a book I could tell him his hair was on fire and he would mumble "okay" and continue reading. He's not ignoring me on purpose (most of the time anyway), hyperfocus is a coping mechanism that some people with ADHD develop as a way of preventing themselves from being so easily distracted. 

Like my son, I was identified as gifted during my school years, but for me it was much later because our small town did not have any gifted programming in elementary schools. In high school I was enrolled in what was then called an "enriched" program for academically inclined students. So, why didn't I struggle in school like many who have ADHD? Well, I did, but not in the way that made anyone suspect anything other than a precocious and energetic child.

Sure, I had trouble sitting still in kindergarten, but what 5 year old doesn't? I was often sent to sit away from the group during story time because I couldn't sit and listen without fidgeting, but when I was school-aged that was just seen as misbehaviour and punished and that was the end of it. (In hindsight, this was probably the worst thing for me because fidgeting helped me truly hear and comprehend the story, whereas being sent back to my desk probably resulted in me doing something entirely different and not listening to the story at all). 

One of the challenges for twice exceptional students is that their giftedness can often mask the symptoms and struggles caused by other diagnoses, and doing well in school often means no one takes notice of other difficulties because the students seem to be just "fine". They may be doing well academically, but they may have to work twice as hard to do so, and there are more important considerations when measuring a person's success.

Twice exceptional students may have executive functioning challenges and frequently pull all-nighters in order to get their assignments in on time (which, of course, I did). Having to pull all-nighters does not a diagnosis make, but pervasive executive functioning difficulties, such as difficulty with organization and time management, can lead to a student feeling overwhelmed. Frequent all-nighters can lead to a sleep-deprived student unable to absorb information in class because of exhaustion, as well as other quality of life issues due to fatigue and stress. 

This also presents challenges at home, work, and in all of our relationships, including our own self-perceptions.  I admit to, on a daily basis, having unrealistic expectations of both myself and my son.  My 7 year old son presents as so asynchronous that in one day he can read an entire 600-page novel meant for 10-12 year olds and yet can't seem to go upstairs and brush his teeth and get ready for bed in an orderly fashion.  He can seem so mature that I expect so much of him, but then I am forced to remember that intellectual maturity is a completely separate entity from emotional maturity and executive functioning.  

Despite many experts providing a wealth of information on ADHD, we are still in the early stages of public awareness and education, and even earlier with regards to twice exceptionality. I completed a 3-year Diploma in Youth Work as well as a BA in Psychology, and worked in the social services field for 10 years, and still had never heard the term 2e until my son was diagnosed.

If you suspect you or your child might have ADHD, speak to your doctor or mental health professional about your questions or concerns.  There is a lot of great information posted on the Centre for ADHD Awareness Canada's website and I will post additional links below.  

If you or someone in your life is struggling to get the supports they need, please visit ADHDPro.ca to see if we can help.  If we can't, we're always happy to provide referrals to additional resources.  

Further reading...

Learn more about ADHD:

CADDAC - The Centre for ADHD Awareness, Canada

Understood.org - Understood is an American website, so some references to educational rights and laws will not be applicable, but it is a fantastic resource for information on ADHD and neurodiversity in general.

Learn more about Twice Exceptionality:

7 Myths About Twice Exceptional (2e) Students

Twice Exceptional Students

Twice Exceptional Kids: Both Gifted and Challenged

With Understanding Comes Calm

TECA - Twice Exceptional Children's Advocacy

Learn more about Gifted Children:

National Association for Gifted Children

Social Emotional Needs of the Gifted

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

ADHD/2e Book and Podcast Recommendations

Books

Please note that I have provided links primarily to the paperback copies of these books.  However, many are also available in eBook or audiobook for a quicker download and are usually a less expensive option.  

ADHD       

12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD, Dr. Russell Barkley : Dr. Barkley presents 12 key parenting principles that address the most common problems that ADHD poses, such as family conflicts, difficult behaviour, school problems, out-of-control emotions, and parental stress. 

 

Taking Charge of ADHD, Dr. Russel Barkley : This is a fantastic book for parents and caregivers, I highly recommend it.  You can learn more about Dr. Barkley at www.russellbarkley.org. 

Attention-Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (Fourth Edition, Dr. Barkley) : This is an expensive textbook and a very heavy read.  I highly recommend reading Taking Charge of ADHD first and then deciding if you wish to deepen your knowledge on an academic level.  

ADHD and the Nature of Self-Control, Dr. Barkley : currently unavailable online, this book is less cumbersome than the textbook above, but also a fairly heavy read.  

Getting Ahead of ADHD, Dr. Joel Nigg : This book discusses and differentiates between unsupported, even dangerous, approaches to "treating" ADHD versus the benefits of healthy nutrition, exercise, and sleep.  ADHD cannot be cured and there is no magic bullet, but there are very safe and effective medications, in addition to lifestyle changes, that can help one manage the symptoms and take advantage of the positives of being neurodivergent.  Dr. Joel Nigg also has a blog.

A New Understanding of ADHD, Thomas Brown : This book has gone up in price and is quite expensive for a small book.  That said, it is FULL of incredibly helpful, useful, and evidence-based information.  I highly recommend it if it is in your budget. 

I Can Learn When I'm Moving, by Nicole Biscotti : This book is written by Nicole Biscotti, who is both a teacher and the parent of a 2e child (gifted with ADHD).  It is a fantastic read for teachers who want to better support their classroom of both neurotypical and neurodiverse learners, as well as for parents who are trying to work with their child's school to better support their neurodiverse child.  

Emotional Regulation & Behaviour

Living with Intensity, Daniels & Piechowski : This book is geared towards parents and loved ones of gifted individuals (those whose IQ is in the 98th or 99th+ percentile).  If you have a gifted or 2e child (or anyone in your life), this book is fantastic, it discusses a modern take on Dabrowski's overexcitabilities.  You can also click here learn more about the upsides to overexcitability.

Beyond Behaviours, by Mona Delahooke, PhD : Another amazing book for looking beyond the surface behaviours in children and understanding the developmental physiology and biology that drives behaviour.  

Self-Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker : A great book about first learning to regulate your own emotions in order to role model and teach your children to regulate their own.  

Education and School

Connections over Compliance, by Lori L Desautels : This book is aimed at school administrators and school staff, but is also an important read for parents, especially parents whose children have challenges in the school environment.  This book can provide parents tools for advocating for their differently wired children in the school system, and has invaluable advice for any adult working with children.  A key take-away is that focusing on relationship-building first and foremost is a necessity when helping children and teens work through big feelings and difficult situations. 

Managing ADHD in School, Dr. Russel Barkley : This book is also primarily geared towards teachers, but is also very helpful for parents to read so they can work collaboratively with their child's school. 

Lost at School, Dr. Ross Greene : A compassionate, child-centred approach to supporting children who are struggling at school.  This book focuses on children who exhibit challenging behaviours in the school environment, it is aimed at teachers, but is also very helpful for parents to read so they can work collaboratively with their school from a perspective of "children do well when they can".  Please visit www.livesinthebalance.org to learn more about Dr. Ross Greene and his collaborative, proactive approach and philosophy.  

Nowhere to Hide, Jerome Schultz : Although the title is a bit dramatic, this book is incredibly compassionate and also evidence-based.  It explained, from a scientific and also empathic viewpoint, why children with ADHD and learning disabilities may be so resistant and stressed (or, as some like to call it, "defiant") at school.

Relationship-Based Education, Dr. Josette Luvmour : This book outlines key components of Relationship-based Education that are essential for every teacher and parent to engage when teaching children.  Take home message: children and students can't learn until they feel safe and have a relationship with their educator (and an educator can be a teacher, parent, coach, etc.).  

Wounded by School, Kirsten Olson : This book may be difficult to read because we may see ourselves and our children in so many of the stories shared.  Wounded by School talks about how our traditional school system can be harmful for those children who do not fit within their box of what an ideal student should be.  Thankfully this book also talks about ways in which we can heal from school trauma and ways we can use our past difficulties to motivate us to push for change.  

Parenting

The Explosive Child, Dr. Ross Greene : The Explosive Child is a highly practical, step-by-step guide for using Dr. Green's Collaborative and Proactive Solutions model to manage difficult behaviours at home and support parents and children to solve problems together rather than feeling like they are working against each other.  I highly recommend this as one of the first parenting books anyone with an easily frustrated child should read.

Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn : This book takes a highly compassionate, supportive, and loving approach to parenting and to ensuring our children feel loved no matter what.  When some factions of society (including a lot of educators and administrators) are telling us that children need "consequences" (i.e. adult-imposed punishment) for making mistakes, Alfie Kohn allows us to appreciate and remember that we all make mistakes and that this an integral part of learning.  If we are afraid to err, then we are afraid to try.  Alfie Kohn teaches us that discipline is part of the problem, not the solution.  If we are afraid to make mistakes for fear of punishment, then we will be less likely to reach our full potential.  Click here to learn more about Alfie Kohn's theories.  If you only have room on your bookshelf (or in your brain) for two books, I would recommend Dr. Ross Greene and Alfie Kohn.  Alfie Kohn also has a blog that is well worth following.

Punished by Rewards, also by Alfie Kohn : Alfie Kohn explains how both rewards and punishments are ways of manipulating behaviour that destroy the potential for real learning.  Kohn advocates providing a caring atmosphere “so kids can act on their natural desire to find out.”  His website also has a blog post on this topic based on an interview with Ron Brandt.  

Parenting Without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman : Yes, this!  Susan Stiffelman's book focuses on seeing our children's resistance, not as defiance, but as behaviour that is communicating something important.  Stiffelman encourages adults not to take behaviour personally, but to understand why the behaviour makes sense, and what purpose it serves.  When we seek to understand what the child is trying to achieve through their behaviour, rather than punishing their surface actions or engaging in power struggles, we become a team working together rather than working against each other trying to "win" a battle.  Visit Susan Stiffelman's website to learn more.

What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew, Dr. Saline : Another compassionately written book filled with practical advice that is easy to read for busy parents.  

The Whole-Brain Child, Siegel & Bryson : This book is similar to the "Beyond Behaviours" book by Mona Delahooke.  I recommend purchasing one or the other to begin with and then deciding if you wish to purchase the other.  They are science-based and slightly heavier reads, but incredibly informative and important for understanding the underlying physiology and psychology of behaviour.  

Raising Human Beings, Dr. Ross Greene : If you haven't read any of Ross Greene's books yet, I highly recommend beginning with The Explosive Child first.  Many of his books follow a very similar approach and then each help adults apply his collaborative and proactive solutions model in different environments.  Raising Human Beings is a more general parenting book, where as The Explosive Child is a highly practical, step-by-step guide for managing difficult behaviours at home.  

Mindful Parenting for ADHD, Dr. Bertin : Written by a pediatrician and based in mindfulness techniques, this book aims to help parents and their children with ADHD to keep calm, flexible, and in control.  

Your Defiant Child, Barkley & Benton : I recommend reading this book after reading Dr. Greene's CPS model.  Dr. Barkley is a leading and world-renowned expert on ADHD, however his approach is somewhat in conflict with Dr. Greene's model and I recommend adapting a CPS model first and then using Barkley's evidence-based information to help inform your parenting.  I got this book in paperback format, but at time of writing it is only available in hardcover, audiobook, or eBook formats.  I don't recommend spending $50, but well worth the read or listen at around $15-$25.  While I do not agree with the use of the word "defiant" because of its negative connotations, Dr. Barkley's work is always worth reading.  

Raising a Secure Child by Hoffman, Cooper and Powell : This book is based on the Circle of Security philosophy, which is based on John Bowlby's theory of attachment.  Click here to read more about attachment theories.  This book is primarily geared to parents of younger children, but attachment theory is relevant to people of all ages.  After reading it, I actually wished they had "marketed" it to kids of all ages.  I truly found it relevant to babies, toddlers, and elementary school aged children, all the way from newborn to 12 years.  

The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Diegel and Tina Bryson : Shortly after I wished the book above (Raising a Secure Child) had been geared toward a wider age range, I picked up The Power of Showing Up by Siegel & Bryson, and my wish was granted!  The Power of Showing Up does briefly mention the Circle of Security, but builds far beyond that and is applicable to all relationships in life, but particularly to the parent-child relationship and is geared toward parents and people of all ages.  It would also be incredibly helpful for teachers and anyone who cares for children, to help understand why they may respond to their and others' emotions the way they do.  

A trigger warning: much of the early parts of the book (particularly the second chapter) encourage parents and readers to take a deep-dive into their own attachment history in order to better understand their own response to children's needs.  This can be a difficult journey for anyone who had a traumatic or difficult childhood, so one may wish to seek support prior to, or while going through, this process.  

Parenting with Presence, Susan Stiffelman : The author of Parenting Without Power Struggles also wrote a book called Parenting With Presence.  Susan also has a blog.

Grow Together, Dr. Josette Luvmour : This book focuses on the parent-child bond and meeting your child where they are.  Dr. Luvmour reviews child development theories and encourages parents to set realistic expectations and boundaries for their children, with strengthening their relationship as the primary focus.  

Effective Boundaries with Children, Dr. Josette Luvmour :  It's a fantastic book that provides strategies for setting boundaries in a loving way based on children's developmental stages.  At the time of writing, it's available as a FREE eBook with a Kindle Unlimited account through Amazon Canada.  

Giftedness/Twice Exceptionality 

Different Minds, Deirdre Lovecky : This is an incredible resource for parents of 2e (twice exceptional) children.  It is another more science-heavy, in-depth read, but in my opinion well worth the expense and effort.  

If This is a Gift, Can I Send it Back? by Jen Merrill : This book is a must-read for parents of twice-exceptional children.  It is an honest and hilarious account of a family's journey from diagnosis to public school to homeschool and so much more.  It is informative and entertaining, but more importantly, it's an act of solidarity for all the other 2e parents out there.  The writing is real and open, which allows 2e parents to breathe a sight of relief as we feel truly seen and understood in a society that rarely understands.  

Jen Merrill also has a blog called "Laughing at Chaos" and she writes for the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum (GFF), a supportive community for gifted learners and their families.  

Twice Exceptional, Barry Kaufman : This book is aimed at educators of 2e students, but again it's never a bad idea for parents to read these as well.  Being informed parents makes us better advocates for ourselves and our children.  

Smart but Scattered, Dawson & Guare : This book is aimed at parents of school-aged children who are quite bright, but are not doing well at school due to executive functioning difficulties.  In the school environment this commonly presents as forgetting to bring work home, forgetting to had in assignments, disorganized desk, backpack, locker, or binders.  Executive functioning is not only about organization and memory, it also includes emotional regulation and regulating one's attention.  

The Gifted Kids Workbook, Heather Boorman : Some people may think that having a gifted child is... well, a gift.  It is, yes, but it is not all success and overachieving.  In fact, many gifted children underachieve, struggle with social skills and emotional regulation (BIG feelings), and self-esteem due to being so different from their peers.  If you've read autobiographies by profoundly gifted people, many of them had a great deal of turmoil and struggle in their lives, and gifted kids are no different.  The Gifted Kids Workbook is a Mindfulness book that seeks to help gifted children recognize their strengths and the positive aspects of their uniqueness, rather than focusing on the ways in which they don't "fit in".

Boost: Perspectives in Giftedness, Kelly Hirt : This book is aimed at teachers and homeschooling parents of twice exceptional students, but as always, it is beneficial for all parents to be well-informed advocates and support people for their children.  Kelly Hirt encourages educators to create a safe and supportive environment where twice exceptional learners are "boosted" (or lifted up) in a system that so often seems to to push them down.  Kelly also has a blog called "My Twice Baked Potato" in which she describes her life with her own 2e son.  

Differently Wired, Deborah Reber : Differently Wired is a memoir of Deborah Reber's experience with her own twice exceptional son.  She unabashedly and bravely describes in great detail all the challenges and successes they have experienced in their lives thus far in the hopes to help other parents going through similar experiences.  Debroah's philosophy is to let our children guide their learning and their lives, to honour and celebrate their individuality rather than trying to force them to conform to the mainstream system.  If you enter your name and email address on the Tilt Parenting website, you can receive a copy of the first chapter by email.  

The Self-Driven Child, by William Stixrud, PhD and Ned Johnson : Stixrud and Johnson want us to empower our children to make their own decisions with our loving support.  To learn more about the authors and their book, visit their website at theselfdrivenchild.com.  

Podcasts

One of my favourite Podcasts is Tilt Parenting by Debrorah Reber.  Each episode she interviews an expert on a different topic related to parenting, neurodiversity, school, and childhood struggles.  Something that I love about her Podcast website is that you can sort the episodes by topic, so you can easily search for the episodes relevant to you, your family, and/or your interests. 

Dr. Ross Greene has a podcast as well.  This is a call-in style podcast where parents call with challenges they are facing and Dr. Greene and his co-host help them work through it in a CPS style.

A podcast geared specifically towards neurodivergent and 2e ("twice exceptional") folks is Mind Matters.  Neurodivergence is any brain outside of the "norm" (typically developing), this can be giftedness, ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, any way in which our brains diverge from the mainstream.  

Susan Stiffelman, author of Parenting Without Power Struggles, also has a podcast of the same name.  Susan Stiffelman usually speaks with an expert guest on a variety of topics related to parenting, family life, and neurodiversity.  

In It: Raising Kids Who Learn and Think Differently : From the creators of Understood.org, host Amanda Morin talks with families of kids who struggle with reading, math, focus, and they also speak with experts who offer support and practical advice.

Books & Videos for Children & Youth 

The Monster Diary Series:  Includes books about emotional regulation and mindfulness, anxiety, ADHD, social skills, and screen time, in a "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" style.  They're a short read, good for independent readers at about a grade 2 reading level, or for a parent to read to their child.  

Survival Guide for Kids with ADHD:  It says it's appropriate for grade levels 3-7.  Depending on the child's reading abilities and maturity, it's probably more suitable for grade levels 3-6.  In kid-friendly language and a format that welcomes reluctant readers, this book helps kids know they’re not alone. 

My Brain Needs Glasses:  This book is written from the perspective of an 8 year old boy, so it is geared toward second and third-graders.  Our son read it in first grade and still found it relatable, it is likely suitable for readers at 2nd-4th grade levels, or to be read with an adult for first-grade level readers.  

Bryan Smith has a great series of kid's books on various types of Executive Functioning challenges that are also geared toward grade 2-3 level readers, but would be suitable for grades 1-4 level readers, with some help for the first graders.

  

All Dogs Have ADHD:  This is definitely a cute book geared toward younger readers, or those who prefer books with big (adorable) pictures and fewer words.  Great for dog-loving children.  A note: this book does not use person-first language.  Some neurodiverse people prefer identity-first language and believe that person-first language is ableist.  Alternatively, some find identity-first language offensive, as we are people with a difference, but this difference is not our only characteristic.  It's a part of who we are, but not all of who we are, and some people do not want to be defined by their diagnosis.   Regardless of one's opinion, the person with the disability is the one who gets to decide for themselves which they prefer.  

Have a book, podcast, or other resource to recommend?  

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Websites

For additional online resources, visit our Resources page on our website at ADHDPro.ca/Resources