Dr. Alan Lagimodiere, the PC's new Indigenous Reconciliation and Northern Relations Minister

This was a rough draft in preparation for a full blog post.  Please read the full article here.  

Manitoba’s New Indigenous Reconciliation Minister Defends Residential Schools

Dr. Alan Lagimodiere, the PC's new Indigenous Reconciliation and Northern Relations Minister, less than 10 minutes after being sworn in:  

“…the residential school system was designed to take Indigenous children and give them the skills and abilities they would need”

Excuse me, "the skills and abilities?  The skills and abilities?!"  

Our new Indigenous Reconciliation and Northern Relations Minister just implied that Indigenous children were not developing skills and abilities in their own homes, with their own families, learning the languages of their families and communities, and practicing their own culture and traditions?  

Did he actually say, "the skills and abilities?!" 

The "skills and abilities" Indigenous children needed were to be ripped from their families, their homes, and their communities? Forced to cut their hair and speak English. Forbidden from speaking the languages of their communities and practicing their cultural traditions. Those "skills and abilities", sir? 

Dr. Lagimodiere, exactly what "skills and abilities" did Indigenous children need to learn, and why was it necessary for them to be ripped from their homes and families to do so?  When many Indigenous children were abused and murdered, who thought they were "doing the right thing"?  Please, do tell us why the Indigenous Reconciliation and Northern Relations Minister was justifying the existence of residential schools and the people who allowed this to happen.  

Dr. Alan Lagimodiere  "...give them the skills and abilities they would need to fit in to society as it moved forward, so…"

"as it moved forward"?  Yet another comment insinuating that Indigenous people were, what?  "Behind the times"?  What exactly did they need to "move forward" toward, Dr. Lagimodiere?  Illness, abuse, and death at the hands of those who ran residential schools, that's what they moved toward. 

Reporter: [garbled] “do you think that was the intention?”

Wab Kinew, leader of the NDP, and an honorary witness of the Truth and Reconciliation Committee: 

“I cannot accept you saying what you just said about residential schools. It was the express intent of residential schools to ‘kill the indian’ in the child. It is not cultural relativism, it is not revisionist history, for us to say that that was wrong. Any right-minded person at the time should have known that it was wrong. Many did know and speak up against it. And if you are to take your job--that you’ve been appointed to by Mr. Pallister--seriously, starting today, you have to change that image.” 

YES, sir.  

Dr. Lagimodiere's response?   

...

“I look forward to working with you in the future, as the leader of the opposition.”

...

That's it?  That's all you have to say, Dr. Lagimodiere?  No apology, no gratitude to Mr. Kinew for educating you on a topic you should have actually known something about before being appointed G-D minister?! 

Wab Kinew: 

[Who was way more gracious than Dr. Lagimodiere deserved, and much more poised than most would have been when faced with such ignorance in the exact position that requires this knowledge] 

"We’ll give you a chance, but you can’t be out here defending residential schools if you want to work with Indigenous communities. ‘Killing the indian in the child’ was wrong. That’s what they talked about, at the time, when they were started, when they were run. We all know that that was wrong, so you have to move past that.”

And then...  

(yes, unfortunately it does not get any better from here...) 

The PCs have the nerve and the audacity to call out Mr. Kinew for correcting a residential school apologist? 

As an Indigenous man and an honorary witness for the TRC, how could Mr. Kinew possibly stand by and listen to such harmful misinformation?  How could anyone allow a statement that defended those who allowed residential schools to abuse and kill hundreds of Indigenous children to go uncorrected?  

Did I mention that this statement came from the man who is supposed to be Manitoba's new Indigenous Reconciliation and Northern Relations Minister?!  Dr. Lagimodiere doesn't even know the true history of residential schools! He didn't even think to study up before his little press conference? How can he possibly facilitate reconciliation when he is so ignorant, ill-informed, and un-educated? 

I'd say I were surprised, but sadly, I'm not.  I'm just angry, and Dr. Lagimodiere should resign immediately.  

Please note: This was a rough draft in preparation for a full blog post.  Please read the full article here.  

When Disability Is Defined by Behavior, Outcome Measures Should Not Promote “Passing”

Please visit our new blog location at twoemb.medium.com

When Disability Is Defined by Behavior, Outcome Measures Should Not Promote “Passing”

“Many disabilities are diagnosed through biomarkers. Others can only be identified via behavior. Particularly in the latter context, clinicians and researchers often seek specialized instruments to assess service-provision outcomes. Measures are not neutral, however. They carry their creators’ value judgments” (Ne'eman, 2021). 

Unfortunately this is all too common with ADHD diagnoses. 

We supported a family whose older son was diagnosed very easily. The doctor prescribed medication without issue and referred to additional supports. 

When the same family asked for an evaluation for their daughter the following year, the doctor told them he would not prescribe her medication, and that their struggles were caused by a “parenting” issue. 

Apparently that doctor forgot that ADHD has a 75% heritability rate, meaning it is extremely common in families. ADHD often presents much differently in girls than in boys.  

This doctor must have been very out of date with his ADHD research because, while ADHD was long ago believed to impact only boys, that has long since been disproven. 

Clinicians must set their personal biases aside and make recommendations based on the best evidence and not on their opinions or assumptions. They need to keep up to date on the medicine they are practicing, or refer to someone who is more knowledgeable.

“In some conditions defined by behavior, a disturbing trend has emerged: researchers, clinicians, and paraprofessionals are using measures that prioritize reducing diagnostic traits that are neither harmful nor personally distressing, defining typical appearance as the goal of service provision.”

Oh my word, yes. Unfortunately this is much too common. 

Treatment must be focused on the individual, what *they* want, and supporting their improved quality of life. 

Treatment should never be about making the lives of others easier, and it most certainly should never be about trying to make someone appear as “normal” as possible. 

The goal is not conformity, masking, nor assimilation - all of which have been proven harmful to people with disabilities. The goal must be accommodation, appropriate supports, and meeting an individual’s needs.

As Ari Ne’eman writes, 

“Such thinking ignores the stress that passing for normal places on people with disabilities and fails to consider the ethical dimensions of behavior modification in response to stigma” (Ne'eman, 2021). 

References

Ne'eman, Ari. (2021). When Disability Is Defined by Behavior, Outcome Measures Should Not Promote “Passing”. AMA Journal of Ethics, 23(7): E569-575. [doi: https://10.1001/amajethics.2021.569]. 

Partial Transcript from Press Conference May 9, 2021

From City News, Alex:

Q
Alex:  Good afternoon, thank you both for the time on this Sunday. Just to clarify, how’s it possible that there isn’t spread of Covid in the schools?  I mean, we’ve seen spread everywhere, so how’s it possible that there isn’t spread within the school system?  

A
Dr. Roussin:  Well, there has been spread.  Right?  So, we’ve always said that there is transmission that occurs, it’s just much less transmission in the school setting than in the community setting.  That’s a reflection of all the great work of students, staff, our education departments  — so, we do see transmission that occurs, obviously.  And then what happens is that when you’re having wide-spread community-based transmission, increasing number of case counts within those age cohorts, then you’re just going to see more and more cases that are linked to schools, and so this is why we need to end those transmission cycles and take this time now to flatten that curve. 

Please note our blog has moved over to twoemb.medium.com 

Temur Durrani from the Free Press: 

Q

Temur:  Dr. Roussin, you mentioned that it was a dramatic change in cases which led to this decision today, and you mentioned trends, but that is not a clear enough answer about this massive flip-flop from the Manitoba government, which is still ignoring much of what educators have been calling for, such as prioritizing teachers and childcare staff for vaccines.  During the third wave of the pandemic, public health first said that public health will not be imposing stringent restrictions on businesses and storefronts, even though independent epidemiologists have been asking for that for months, then on Friday you did exactly that, but without any modeling data provided. You said the same thing about schools for the entirety of last year, that cases were not coming from schools. Now, why exactly is this happening today, with the school year almost over? What exactly has changed, if you could be clear for people to understand.

A

Dr. Roussin:  It would be great to have the luxury of those types of things in a 100-year pandemic.  So what we’ve seen is, uh, public health has never said we wouldn’t impose restrictions on businesses.  We’ve always said we’d monitor the situation and may have to impose restrictions.  So, of course we take the least restrictive means, and try to keep businesses open as long as possible, but things change.  And so we see the increasing of cases, that’s changed.  We see the increasing demand on ICU during this week.  That’s changed.  And so now we’ve seen increasing cases in these childhood cohorts, and increasing effects on schools.  So that’s the change. So public health is going to respond based on that to protect the health of Manitobans, and so this is where we’re at at this point.  So we’re always going to take that least restrictive means.  So there can always be questions about why this day and why not another day?  Public health is monitoring a number of things, taking in a lot of factors, and balancing things.  Right?  There’s a lot of benefit to having kids in school, we all know that.  But at some point that balance has to shift, and that's right now in Winnipeg and Brandon.

Q

Temur:  Thank you doctor, that question was good, but it didn’t answer my question about vaccines and prioritization.  But because I only have two questions today, I'm going to ask my second one.  Minister Cullen, in your time as education minister so far, do you think you’ve done a good job of representing the interests of the Manitoba education system during Covid-19?  Do you think it was wise to wait this long before announcing these measures today, when educators have been sounding the alarm about this for months?  And are you going to prioritize, and help press for them to be prioritized during this time, for vaccinations?  

A

MLA Cliff Cullen:  Well, as Dr. Roussin clearly pointed out, we’re in a different world over the last week from where we were prior to that, and obviously these are very tough decisions.  These decisions are not made lightly. We rely on expert advice—expert opinion—when it comes to public health. Protecting Manitobans, and students, and staff, has always been a priority for our government, and certainly from my perspective, of our department. We listen to our educators as well, when we set policy and programs, we rely on their opinion when it comes to education. We’re certainly doing everything we can to make sure that we have safe schools, safe workplaces, and certainly when it comes to the vaccination programs. We have a lot of front-line workers across our province that are also looking for vaccination, and we’ve highlighted these areas. There’s been a change in how the vaccine is rolled out, and we’re looking at these hot-spot areas, and certainly teachers and front-line workers are eligible, in those hot spots particularly. And as Dr. Roussin points out, we’re at age 35 today. We expect by the end of the month, we’re going to be down to everybody age 12 and above. Uh, so we’re going to get there, but it obviously takes a little longer than we thought, and clearly this third wave is upon us, uh so we’ve had to make tough decisions because of it. 

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week!

Thank you to teachers who are right now putting their health at risk during the Covid pandemic to provide an education to our children. Thank you to those teachers who push against the system, who advocate hard for their students, and who put so much of themselves into their work because they know it matters. It matters to those kids, and to their parents. So, thank you.

Thinking Outside The Box

Originally posted on twoe.medium.com

Full disclosure, guys: I am not good with bureaucracy. I know there are rules and processes in place in an effort to keep things fair and to ensure there is regulation and oversight. I get that red tape (sometimes) serves a purpose. I also admit to being somewhat (okay, quite… okay, very) impatient. I get really tired of hearing variations of “ we can’t do that”, or “it’s out of our hands, it’s how the system works and we can’t change it”. I acknowledge that change is difficult, but sometimes these are just cop-outs and reluctance to get a little (or very) creative and resourceful.

You CAN. You can and WE can. Change is not easy, and the larger the bureaucracy, the slower the change. I’m also not advocating for anarchy here (not today at least). Let’s change the system from within in a positive and collaborative way, but let’s not merely throw up our hands in defeat without even trying to push for change when it is needed.

Sometimes professionals become complacent and just accept “no” for an answer — or worse, stop asking altogether when they assume the answer will be no. When people and their ideas get rejected so often, sometimes they simply stop asking and give up trying.

This is not okay. Seriously.

People deserve to work in an environment where they are heard and where change is possible. The status quo is unacceptable; we must learn and change and grow as we find new and better ways of doing things. Stagnation is unhealthy and unhelpful (plus, it’s boring, and we folks with ADHD love novelty).

When parents or educators see what they feel is a fairly simple solution for a problem in school the possibility should at least be considered. In fact, when parents, educators, and other professionals are coming up with ideas and suggestions, rather than simply pointing out problems, this should be rewarded and encouraged.

Is your child’s school providing appropriate accommodations and required services during this time of distance(d) education?

Is your school’s division and school team doing everything they can to follow your child’s IEP (or SSP, or BIP, or whatever letters they are currently using) via in-class, hybrid, or online learning?

I fully recognize the extreme challenge educators are facing having gone from in-class instruction to online platforms, to one-on-one in-class supports, to hybrid learning, back to in-class, to who-knows-what school will look like tomorrow let alone next week.

Teachers, I hear you banging your heads against the proverbial wall (and maybe the real wall some days, too). Please rest assured, I am advocating for school staff as well as students (honestly, I’m surprised MLA Cliff Cullen hasn’t blocked me on Twitter yet, but the year is young).

Dear Teachers: I see you and appreciate you. I know many of you have been advocating for your students louder and longer than almost anyone else.

The onus is on a team of people, not any one person or role, to work together and come up with solutions that will meet the needs of each individual student Not an easy task by any means. A very important task nonetheless, and one that parents, caregivers, and students have every right to expect.

As a parent, caregiver, or student, if you have concerns or needs that are not being met, please don’t feel as though you cannot ask for support or accommodation because of the challenging circumstances we are all experiencing. Education is a right to which all children deserve access, and it’s up to the parents and school teams to work together to make that happen.

If you need help working with your school, please feel free to contact us to arrange a meeting.

Originally published at twoe.medium.com

 Originally posted on Medium.

Have you noticed a change in my posts over the past year? OK, with everything going on, it not surprising that pretty much everyone’s posts have changed, so you may not have noticed.

A Tale of Two Career Streams

If you’re seeing posts from me both from Pawsitive Pet Care and from ADHD 2e MB and are wondering which am I doing? The answer is both. I’m doing both. Of course I am. Because I love both and right now I can do both.

If you’re interested in the background story, here it is. If you’re not… well, perhaps one of our other blogs will be of interest, depending on which page you follow:

twoemb.medium.com

PawsitivePooch.blogspot.com

Long story…. a little less long:

In 2006 I graduated (with Honours) from Humber College in Toronto, after completing a 3-year full-time intensive Child and Youth Work program and received my CYW diploma. I worked in a group home in Ontario for one year until we moved to Winnipeg in 2007, where I started my second degree, Psychology, with majors in both Child Psychology and Animal Learning (this will not surprise anyone who knows me).

While I was graduating in 2009 I had some health problems (all good now though!). Instead of heading into a full-time career in social services, I had to slow down and focus on taking care of my health at that time. I took a part-time job in a retail pet store because I love animals and because the store was close to home.

Retail Reality

I had forgotten what it was like to work in retail. For one thing, managers expect you to put your personal life on hold for a minimum-wage job. I love soccer and at that time was on a highly competitive soccer team that practiced three times per week, plus had one or two games on the weekends. When I had interviewed the manager said she was willing to work around my soccer schedule, yet when I asked them to do so they gave me a hard time about it.

The other difficulty I encountered was colleagues (even some managers) giving bad pet-care and health-related advice. ProTip: If you are working in a pet food and supplies store, you are not qualified to give dietary and health advice to pet owners. You can recommend products, share what you know about the different brands, and help customers find what they are looking for. You should not be practicing outside of your scope. Giving the wrong advice can be unsafe for pets, so please leave that to the professionals.

There’s got to be a better way!

With those challenges in mind, in May 2010 I started to offer dog-walking and pet-sitting services to families in my neighbourhood. It was small and simple at first, a free ad on Kijiji and a couple of flyers posted at the local park, but within three months it turned into a full-time gig. I loved it (and still do)! In 2012 I was ecstatic when I became pregnant with our son. As I neared closer to my due date I hired someone to cover for my maternity leave. Walking large dogs while very pregnant is challenging, to say the least! With that began the expansion of Pawsitive Pet Care into a bonafide company. We registered with the province, purchased insurance, and I officially became a sole proprietor.

When I returned to work in Fall 2013 things continued growing and it was very satisfying to see our hard work pay off. We hired more staff and our client base grew. In 2017 we moved out of Winnipeg to just West of the city, in the R.M. of Cartier on a beautiful rural property. For about three years our growth continued.

In 2019 my son had a terrible experience at his former school. Like me, he is intellectually gifted and also has ADHD. Being gifted plus having a disability is called “Twice Exceptional” or 2e, hence the “ADHD 2e” in the name.

Not only were his needs not being met, but he was being treated badly. It was heart-breaking, stressful, and just plain awful. So, I dusted off my old child psychology textbooks and became his biggest advocate. We moved him to a much better school where he is so much happier and is flourishing, thankfully.

Then 2020 came along.

And we all know how that story goes.

In March 2020 the cancellations started pouring in, and like so many small businesses in Manitoba (and around the world), we were seriously impacted by Covid-19. Our clients couldn’t go to work or on vacation, so there was little need for dog-walking and pet-sitting services.

What there was a huge need for, though, were child advocates. Families of students with disabilities and exceptionalities often have to advocate and fight for resources for their children, to have their needs met, and for fair and appropriate access to their education. Add to that the stress and chaos of a pandemic, and these disparities grew worse. It is very hard to follow a student’s education plan when doing remote learning. Families were limited in their ability to access certain supports their children normally received at school, such as Resource, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, Guidance Counselling, and much more. This is all unprecedented. Teachers, school staff, families, and students are all trying to figure this out as we go.

Most school staff are working in highly stressful and potentially unsafe conditions (improper PPE, unable to socially distance, not being made a priority for vaccines, being expected to teach both in person and online, the list goes on).

This is where people with my experience and expertise come in. I spent the past several years advocating for my exceptional child, in particular during the very challenging years while he was at his former school. I learned the Manitoba education system inside and out, gained and strengthened my advocacy skills, and updated my academic knowledge and credentials.

Why Am I Telling You All This?

As I mentioned in the beginning: If you’re seeing me post from both Pawsitive Pet Care and ADHD 2e MB and you’re wondering which am I doing… The answer is both. I’m doing both. Of course I am. Because ADHD. Because I love both and right now I can do both. Because I love my son and he has inspired me and re-ignited my passion for advocacy work. I have a fantastic staff team at Pawsitive Pet Care who help me keep things running smoothly (thank you!). I am also lucky to have a husband and son who love me and support me in all my endeavours, no matter how ambitious (I love a challenge and never like to be bored… ADHD y’all, it can be a gift).

I promise I won’t spam my separate business pages with cross-posts, but I will on very rare occasions share posts that apply to both. I hope you’ll support me by liking and sharing ALL OF THE THINGS, and by referring anyone who you feel would benefit from our services (THANK YOU!).

We’ve been so lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends, family, and clients these past 11 years (11! Pawsitive Pet Care turns 12 years old this summer!).

Thank you all for your support. Please stay safe and healthy. Stay home when you can, wash your hands, wear a mask, and get vaccinated as soon as you’re eligible. I cannot wait until things can start to return to some semblance of normal. I’ll settle for half-normal. Maybe even a quarter.

Stay well,

Jillian Enright, CYW, BA Psych., CPDT-KA
ADHD 2e MB and Pawsitive Pet Care

Misbehaviour is STRESS Behaviour

"Misbehaviour" = STRESS Behaviour

This is a two-part blog series focusing on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated.  

Dysregulation = BIG feelings, feeling out of control, feeling highly emotional, experiencing an intense emotional response. 

Many neurodiverse people experience their emotions very intensely and can become dysregulated more easily than neurotypical people.  

Parents and adults, please remember: As difficult and challenging (and exhausting) it can be for us to support and co-regulate with a child who experiences extreme dysregulation, it is even more distressing for the child, who doesn't have the cognitive development to understand and regulate these experiences.  It can be scary to lose control of oneself.  

Be Proactive

These strategies can help all children, not just neurodiverse children: 

• Define expectations before heading to an activity 
• “Ok buddy, we’re heading into the store.  What are two things we need to remember when we’re in the store?’  
• Give children a “heads up” before transitions whenever possible
• “We need to leave for school in 10 minutes, so please make sure you have everything ready that you need.”  
• “Five minutes ’til dinner, guys!”  

Dysregulation Happens (to everyone).  

Dysregulation = BIG feelings.  All the feels.

• Dysregulation can happen for many reasons:
• Sensory overload
• Too hot, too cold, too loud, too bright, too everything 
• Stress
• Anxiety / Fear
• Frustration, sadness, hurt feelings
• Not feeling well 

When a Child is Upset / Dysregulated

Please DO:

• LISTEN to the child
• Let them speak without interrupting or correcting them
• Validate their feelings 
• “That must have been very upsetting”
• “I can see that made you feel angry”  
• “You didn’t like when that happened” 
• Show empathy and caring
• “I am sorry you’re feeling sad, how can I help?”
• Be as consistent as possible 
• REMAIN. CALM.

Please do NOT:

• Reject the child 
• Forcing them to isolate from the family as a form of punishment is rejection 
• Sending a child to their room or to a “time out” is rejection 
• It sends the message that they are not wanted when hey are experiencing big feelings, and that they will not be supported when they have big feelings 

That is not to say that we can’t or shouldn’t teach our children to take space when they need it.  

When they need it.  

The difference is that we’re teaching our child a skill and giving them tools for self-regulation, but in the mean time, we need to co-regulate with them. 

Co-regulation is when we help our children to regulate their emoitnos by soothing, comforting, and supporting them.  We also teach emotional regulation skills by practicing and role-modelling them for our children.

Supporting a child to take space and time to regulate, empathizing with their feelings, and staying with them if they want or need you to will help preserve the relationship, their dignity, and their self esteem.  

It’s important to emphasize the message, “I didn’t like that behaviour, but I still love you.” 

Please do NOT (cont):

• Dismiss their feelings or experience
• “It’s not a big deal” 
• “Don’t worry about it!” 
• “That’s not what happened” 
• Tell them to “calm down” 
• Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.
• Become dysregulated yourself

A dysregulated adult cannot co-regulate with, or help regulate, a dysregulated child.

Stay calm: Keep your body language and voice calm as much as possible.  If you are feeling frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, ask for support from your co-parent, family member, or a friend if you can.  

Role-model taking space yourself, or utilizing tools for self-regulation.  It’s okay to say “I’m feeling frustrated right now, I’m going to do [calming strategy], and I will come back to this conversation when I am feeling calm and ready.”  

Please do NOT (cont):

• Make threats
• “If you don’t _______, then _______!” 
• This only serves to escalate things and further pushes the child into a fight or flight mode

Points to Remember:

• Dysregulation can be caused by many factors that are largely outside of the child’s control 
• Listen, empathize, validate, and co-regulate

“Misbehaviour” = STRESS Behaviour

If a child is highly dysregulated (what we might call having a “meltdown” or “flipping their lid”), that is not the time to: 

• Discuss their behaviour 
• This will further escalate them 
• Their brain is offline and not currently capable of processing that information 
• Problem solve 
• People cannot problem-solve when the logical and rational part of their brain (PFC) is offline 
• This will increase frustration 
• Use logic to try to talk them out of their feelings.  
• “…but you love swimming!”  
• “Cmon, you know he didn’t mean that” 
• "You're over-reacting" 
• "You're being silly/dramatic" 
• This is invalidating and the child will not feel heard 

Feelings are not rational, so don’t expect them to be. A child’s experience is valid and real, even if they seem to us to be over-reacting.  Their perception may be inaccurate, but their feelings are 100% real.  The facts and logic can be dealt with once everyone is calm and safe, worry about that later. 

Stress = Fight or Flight Response

When people experience high levels of stress, their brains and bodies go into the fight or flight response.  

The goal during this time is to help the child feel safe so that they can regulate (aka “calm down”) and get their PFC back online.  

Keep Calm and Regulate On

• Take a slow, deep breath before responding
• Speak calmly and softy, using as few words as possible
• When the brain is in flight or flight, they won’t hear most of what you are saying.  
• The brain will focus in on certain words that either confirm or deny their sense of safety. 
• Get down to the child’s level (if safe to do so - keep a safe distance if needed)
• Crouch down (so you can move away easily) or sit nearby so that you are not looming over them. 
• Convey the message “I’m going to help keep you safe”
• This can be done non-verbally, using your body language and actions 
• Model the calm you want to see in the child 

Points to Remember:

• Feelings are not rational.
• A child’s experience is valid even if they seem to us to be over-reacting.
• Their feelings are 100% real.  
• The facts and logic can be dealt with once everyone is calm.

When the Dust Finally Settles… 

• Try your best not to take the child’s behaviour personally 
• Even if they were trying to hit you or calling you names 
• You can absolutely express that their behaviour hurt your feelings or made you feel unsafe
• It's important to remember that the child’s brain is completely offline during a meltdown and they are not in full control of their behaviour

When considering prevention:

Think in terms of problem-solving and reconciliation, rather than punishment

• By punishment, I mean adult-imposed consequences intended to stop the behaviour from happening and teach the child that their behaviour was unacceptable.  

Part two of our blog series on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated is coming next:  

Punishment is Counter-Productive

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.

Challenging Behaviour in Neurodiverse Children 

(In this case challenging is an adverb, not a verb.  We're not challenging the kids, even though their behaviour is sometimes challenging.)   

This is the second of a two-part blog series focusing on preventing and supporting children whose behaviour can become quite challenging when they are dysregulated.  Click here to read the first post, entitled Misbehaviour is Stress Behaviour.

More accurately, this is the last in a four-part series that started out as a two-part series, but then blended in to this other two-part series… confused? Welcome to my ADHD brain.

All you really need to know is that there are four blog posts with themes around preventig and addressing challenging behaviours:

1. Punishment Does Not Work
2. Punishments Don’t Teach Skills
3. “Misbehaviour” is Stress Behaviour
4. Challenging Behaviours in Children

When considering prevention:

• Think in terms of problem-solving and reconciliation, rather than punishment
• By punishment, I mean adult-imposed consequences intended to stop the behaviour from happening and teach the child that their behaviour was unacceptable 

  

Why Punishment is Counter-Productive 

If the child has repeated this behaviour in the past, it's highly likely they’ve been told a thousand times that behaviour is inappropriate.  

Intellectually, they almost certainly already know that. ADHD causes impulsivity, so the child may have the knowledge, but not the ability to stop, think, and apply that knowledge before acting.  

Behaviours and triggers are often largely outside of the child’s control. When we punish behaviours that stem from the child's neurodiversity (which is most of them), we are essentially punishing a child for having a disability.  

If a child is frequently singled out because of their behaviour, other children look to the adults to role-model how to deal with it. This is particularly true with siblings, teammates, and classmates. If adults frequently punish, shame, or reject that child, the other children will follow their example.

Note:  I am not advocating a lack of accountability, far from it.  The point I do wish to make is that if punishment worked then behaviours would stop after the first few times the child was punished, so it would not be necessary to continue punishing the same behaviour.  

Our previous blog post, "Punishment Does Not Work" expands on this point.  

So, how do we achieve what we want? 

Reconciliation, restoring relationships, and collaborative problem-solving.

Before a child is able to accept responsibility for their actions, they need to feel that their experience has been heard and their feelings validated.

When we truly listen to the child, we are role-modelling how we want them to validate the experiences and feelings of the others their behaviour has impacted.  

Overcoming Defensiveness

We all can become defensive when we know we’ve made a mistake, and this is even more so when we feel attacked.  When we don’t have a chance to process and acknowledge our errors, we may feel backed into a corner and so our defences go up.  

To avoid defensiveness in the child: 

• Hear them out, show the child you are truly listening and that you care.
• Give them an opportunity to speak without interruption.
• Avoid blaming and shaming.
• Then you can focus on problem-solving together.


The goal is connection, not compliance

Collaborative Proactive Solutions by Dr. Ross Greene 

Collaborative Problem-Solving

The key premise of CPS is that kids do well when they can, and when they can’t, they need adults to help teach them skills they are lacking.

It’s not malicious or willful misbehaviour, it’s a lack of skills

Collaborative Problem-Solving in a nutshell: 

• Identify something you’ve noticed without blame or judgement.  
• “Hey buddy, I noticed you had a hard time when x wasn’t following the rules in that game.  What’s up?”  
• It's important to be authentic, be yourself.  Paraphrase this in whatever way feels comfortable for you, while ensuring you don't include judgements or assumptions when you state your concern.
• Give them a chance to explain their perception of what is happening.  
• Do not interrupt and do not correct their version of events.  
• Let them get it out.  
• *Empathize with the child’s experience and validate their feelings 
• **This is a very important step**
• “It’s very frustrating when someone isn’t playing fair.  Sounds like that made you pretty angry.  I sometimes feel frustrated when someone isn’t playing fair too.” 
• Identify your concern — without blame or judgement.  
• Explain your concern without labelling the child or their behaviour, and without making assumptions.  
• “My concern is that when you raise your voice at other children, it makes them feel unsafe, and everyone has less fun, including you.  I want everyone to feel safe and have fun.”   
• Then ask the child to identify any concerns they have.  
• “What concerns do you have about what happened?” 
• Ask them if they have any suggestions for ways you can work together to solve the problem.  
• “What do you think we can do to solve this problem together?”  
• This includes actions that can be taken both by the children and the adults.  
• “We can try to explain the rules with more detail next time, and make sure everyone understands before we start playing the game.”  
• “The adults can watch a little more closely and help the students/teammates/classmates who may not fully understand the rules.” 
• “What do you think you can do to help everyone feel safe and make sure we’re all having fun?”

They may shrug their shoulders and mumble "idunno", especially if this process is new to them. That's okay. You can ask them if you can make some suggestions, or if they would prefer to take a little time to think about it and come back to it.  Be specific about when you will come back to the conversation: "Would it help to take some time to think about it this afternoon, and we'll talk about it after dinner?"  

Some suggestions the adult can make (or the child might make) in the scenario above: 

• Ask adults for help if someone isn’t following the rules 
• Use a gentle voice, a kinder tone, to explain rules 
• Let the adults worry about the rules — it’s the adult’s job, not the kids’ job — remember, the kids’ job is to have fun! 
• We can try to be flexible and understand that not all the kids will understand the game right away, and not everyone will be able to follow the rules perfectly, but we’ll all do our best and focus on having fun. 
• Check in with your child at the end of the conversation 
• How are you feeling about our conversation?
• Do you think our plan is fair?  
• Do you think we can all try those ideas and see how they go?
• It’s okay if they don’t work perfectly, we can always make adjustments if we find things aren’t working for us.

 For more information about the Collaborative-Proactive Solutions model, please visit the Lives in the Balance website.  

ADHD 2e MB also has additional resources and CPS information on our website.  

About the Author

Jillian is an ADHD 2e Coach and Child Advocate in Manitoba, Canada.

Jillian has a diploma in Child & Youth Work and a Degree in Psychology, as well as being the parent of an amazing 2e/ADHD child.

Visit ADHDPro.ca and Facebook.com/ADHD2ePro to learn more.